"It feels like he gets to keep a tally of whether Ss is earning him back properly"

This is something we all do I think. We all keep score in our head and since we keep score, we decide what constitutes a point or not.

I think that's part of the "detachment". It's tough but we need to let them go that way if we can ever get them back in a way that makes us happy.

Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.