Time for a new thread and I wish it came with a new perspective. I was doing so well last week! Genuine growth and I was feeling strong, hugely positive and very buoyant.
The last 24 hours, however, has me wanting to either track him down and say, "ok, enough of this. Pack your stuff, get home and let's work on this thing! You're hurt. I hear you. You're angry. I hear you. You're empty. I hear you. You've got nothing to give. I hear you. We can do this!!!! So, let's do it, dammit! Let's heal this marriage TOGETHER!!!!" or walk away all together.
Why are my solutions so diametrically opposed? I hate the feeling of being inspired to work SO freaking hard on something only to be met with resistance by him. How can you not want to work to save something so precious, so important? How can he NOT see that as worthwhile? Especially now that I have a guideline of tools and skills and resources to help us out which we'd never had before!
It feels like he gets to keep a tally of whether Ss is earning him back properly. In reality though he is probably facing a lot of pain himself and he needs space to process all that. It's hard not to believe he's stewing and sitting in the victim seat perpetually dwelling on his emptiness and the horrors I dished out to him while I work my arse off building a foundation of trust, of strength, of safety, of kindness, love and setting my pain aside for the betterment of something I only hope for.
Ugh. It hurts and it feels unfair and counter intuitive and it makes me want to SCREAM.
oh please let me hear whether I got this job today so I can take my mind of my personal circus.
I'm sorry you are struggling today. I don't say this to be harsh, however, remember your H was done with your old M long before BD. He just finally made the proclamation. That is difficult to digest although once that sinks in, things are clearer.
Hang in there! You are doing really well:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/02/1404:11 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you, Georgiabelle. At this point I'll take harsh because I need to be 2x4'd back into my PMA so bring it!
You're right though. I think what hurts about that the most is that he never thought, "what can *I* do to work on this?" instead of just spending a year preparing to leave. I'm worth at least that.
I don't know how much of my story you've read (or, actually, how much I've let out on this forum), but I was on the other end of this 4 years ago. I wanted out, I didn't love W anymore, I didn't even WANT to work on it, even if I knew what to do (which I didn't). So it is much easier to empathize with my WAW (and your WAH) than it is for you.
My situation was different. My W never knew there was a problem until recently when I confessed it to her. That's not to say there was no effect, because I'm sure the 2-3 years I neglected her then are biting me in the A%# now. By the grace of God, she unknowingly DB'd me. Her attitude towards me became much nicer, although still not perfect. I also started doing my part - letting go of little annoyances that used to drive me crazy, etc. I fell back in love with her more than any time in our 10 years. Unfortunately, or by divine justice, I got to that point just as my W is reaching her low point in the R.
So knowing where I came from, I know what is possible for my WAW and your WAH, to fully come back someday. But it will not happen quickly. It took years for me, but that was by accidentally piecing back together. If either of our spouses agree to reconcile and begin piecing, we will be Samurai love builders! I would not be going off of my naïve instincts anymore, but rather the knowledge of dozens of vets and great love/marriage leaders like MWD and other great people and writers.
Hey, since I dropped a Samurai nugget in there, how about a few Bruce Lee quotes:
You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
Ss, believe that we will have unquenchable love with our spouses eventually, but it will be a long, difficult road to get there, and that you must be adaptable to the situation at hand. Right now our sitches involve walk-away spouses who don't want to work on it, so adapt to that situation as best as you possibly can with the end goal being unquenchable love. The first steps of that road are not begging, pleading, prodding, or walking away.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thanks for all the support folks. I really need it today.
Taking on Joe's challenge to find three things to affirm of H's (but only have to give one compliment). I ROCKED the CHIT out that that just now!
First of all, he walked in with a red velvet cupcake for ME! He'd picked up a few for D7 since she's at his house for a couple nights but he brought me one, too! So nice! I thanked him profusely but I'm trying HARD not to over think it. He loves people through food so I see the gesture and it fills my heart.
Secondly, I he got a hair cut and a shave (he has to get pro shaves because his skin is too sensitive so he gets a shave every 6-8 weeks or so) and I told him it looked amazing (it totally does). I think he was shocked by my compliment.
He said he went to Sephora (before BD he asked me if I had a good moisturizer he could use because his skin was feeling SO dry. I recommended a couple) and picked up another bottle of his moisturizer and said he had the points put on my Sephora account. I feel like that was another gift. He has always been generous that way. I told him that his skin was looking really good, a lot less dry and that I was glad he liked that moisturizer.
I also took the time to really gush about how amazing it is to see him with D7 and how much fun she has with him. How her face lights up when he's around and how he's the only one who can make her giggle that atomic giggle that we love so much.
My heart is just overflowing with joy to send out these compliments and affirmations. Practice, right?
So happy for you, Ss! Good work on those compliments!
And I'm totally jealous of your cupcake.
Me: 35, H: 37, no kids Together since 2002, Married since 2007 IDKIILY: 2/2013 MC: 5/2013-6/2014 H stated he was REALLY done: 4/2014 I moved out 7/6/14 H filed end of 8/2014 but still hasn't served me
Excellent!!! Did he seem to stand a little taller upon hearing the compliments? I know I do whenever my W says anything complimentary at all.
Great job!
So, he gave you a fantastic future opportunity w/ the cupcake. What's his favorite treat? Bring it next time you know you'll see him. Are you sure gifts aren't one of his LLs?
Opportunity idea for physical touch. If he has a new shirt on (collared), you can ooh at his new shirt and touch the shoulder/neck area on the shirt as you admire it. He'll like it, especially paired w/ a compliment.
Keep at it.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
