Living the dream...one day at a time

[wishing, hoping]

Hello all

So over Labor Day I took the kids camping at my favorite state park. We had a great time. Got rained on a few times, but it was nice to get away and I can't believe I'm saying this but it's nice to "rough it". I actually prefer camping when you are roughing it and getting away from it all. No electric, camping over the fire, no tv, but of course we did have our phones so we had music and internet. LOL!. And I did have air mattresses. I just can't sleep on the ground. Never could. That's the only luxury I will permit myself.

Sometimes I stop and think WTH am I doing? A single woman in the woods with two kids trying to "rough it"? WH who do you think you're fooling? But then I realize...hey...I'm doing it. It's done. And I did it by myself. How many other moms go camping with their kids without a man to help out? I often surprise myself at how capable I really am.

I even think J is a bit surprised about what I am able and willing to do. He called to talk to the kids and asked about the weather since there was one day it absolutely poured in the morning. He asked how we did and I said, I did get discouraged when it rained after I just finished cleaning up from a previous rain, but I told the kids and the dogs to load up in the car and we got away and did some small shopping and got a change of scenery. It helped change the mood and when the sun came back out and it got hot we headed back to camp, cleaned up and made a better day. He was kind of taken aback by my response. I think he was hoping I was absolutely miserable. LOL!

But the rest of the weekend I was well prepared and dare I say it, I can now make one he!! of a good campfire. We roasted hotdogs, marshmallows, and smores, made pudgie pies of pizza, ham and cheese and even boston cream pies. I packed just enough food and plenty of drinks. We packed up a lot of stuff Sunday night since they were calling for rain that night and Monday AM. It did rain a bit, but not too badly. The only thing we really had to load up Monday AM was the tent and the stuff inside. We were packed up and in the car by the time it started to rain. So we drove around areas of the campground we hadn't seen and took one last stop at the cool nature center and drove by the south side of the lake and took a scenic route home. Lots of laundry and organization, but I'm ready to do it again. Thinking about going back when the fall colors come out, but need to come up with a way to warm up the tent if it gets too chilly. Any ideas? I didn't want to get a heater. Those things freak me out with the carbon monoxide issues. Too risky.

So last night J called and wanted to "work something out" for the first day of school (which is today). I called him back and I asked what he had in mind. He asked if we could ride together to drop off the kids at school so he could participate as well. HUH??? I asked him what he meant and he asked if I could pick him up before I dropped off the kids at school so he could be there too. Uh...weird. I asked him he was comfortable doing that and he said he would be fine. So I thought it would be good for the kids to have their father present, so I agreed.

This morning I picked him up and he came along with us, in my car, as we dropped off the kids. Afterward I took him back to the house, just the two of us. Talk about awkward silence. We managed to make small talk but honestly I couldn't wait to get him out of my car. Odd. Just odd.

This morning I emailed him to let him know D had a doctor appointment and to ask if he had seen S's house key. He told me he would look for the key and that he wanted me to include him on the plans for the kids seeing doctors and dentists because I had accused him during the divorce of not caring about the kids so he was very sensitive about knowing what was going on with them. I told him that was why I was letting him know about the appointment and asked if he wanted to attend all the appointments in the future because if we both had to be there it was going to be extremely difficult to schedule something. I am trying to be open minded and understand and appreciate his desire to be a part of the kids' lives whether it is for good intentions or not. I am hoping to "pave the path" and lead by example that if I do the right thing despite my anger he will mimic my behavior because that seems to be what has happened in the past.

I am trying to expect the best and prepare for the worst, which I don't know what the worst could be. Unless he is trying to say I in contempt of court for not notifying him, but I did notify him. It doesn't say in our agreement that I have to get his approval before I schedule something.

He did say he didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but clearly he is feeling left out or something. Well, so am I. And if he demands to attend all appointments I make, then the deal is the same for me, right? I don't know what he is trying to get out. I really think he is losing his mind.

Oh, And Job, I think J is correct about me paying more than my share of the daycare bill. I have receipts and copies of previous bills so I can document what I have paid.

Sorry about the long post. Sometimes, I wonder if I should truly let my guard down? Obviously what I was doing with J in the past was NOT improving our communications. And they say to do what works. Problem is, with J I always end up doing more than my share. Which is why I cannot be in any sort of relationship (that includes friendship) with him, short of co-parenting. Right now I am just trying to make that work and ATTEMPT to see things from his point of view.

WH