I was doing so good

[Maybell]

Oh, I want to chime in there, Dawgy... my H threatened to leave for months. Then he sent me a four page letter about how little he feels for me anymore and how urgently he had to get away from me. Then... he didn't go anywhere.

We talked about it in MC and he was adamant that that was how he felt, but he wasn't quite ready to go. I finally had to tell him, "It hurts too much to live under this threat. If you need to go that badly, then GO. You're being unfair to me."

He left that afternoon. That night, I got the first sound sleep I'd had in probably over a year. IT WAS SO WORTH IT.

This is not how I want things to be. But I was eating myself alive living in the thick of it. It was impossible to see anything good about him. Now, at least we have a fighting chance.

Think of it as a tactical retreat rather than a defeat. Remember that the worst case scenario has really already happened, and now you're just adjusting your living conditions to match the reality. Remember also that life is long and you don't know what the future holds, so do what makes you stronger for the future rather than hanging on to the fraying rope in the present.

You really, really will be OK.

[Jacket]

Dawgy, I'm sorry you're going through this. I totally understand how you're feeling. I know that awfulness, where you can't eat or sleep. That was me for awhile, too.

I moved out of my home two months ago after H said he wanted a D. I moved because I had a friend I could move in with and it would move me closer to work. I felt like dying through the whole thing, but I survived it and I have to say the separation is helping me detach. I'm not saying that it's all happy and wonderful now, far from it. All I'm saying is that you will survive. We're rooting for you.

[dawgy]

Ok Mlp that sounds like what i gotta do .For my own sanity . I hope the drugs do wear off and not when its too late . Thats always worried me . I was doing so well then BAM she hit me with the Im leaving and have a lawyer . I told her shes not gonna need a lawyer

[SunnyB]

Dawgy -

Don't forget that these things take a CRAZY amount of time. She's still totally infatuated with OM and has the infatuation drugs in her brain that go along with it. You can't do anything about it...It's like dealing with an addict.

So - let her go to the addiction.

The drugs wear off, they will have to face the reality of what they've done and how it impacts their families.

You have a big decision at this point, too. She goes - you can decide you're not going to stand anymore. She goes - you can decide you're going to stand for your marriage. She goes - you can decide that you need some time to decide. All work.

But let her go. Don't fight her. THAT ALONE will come as a shock to her. That will be a big 180. "I'm leaving." "Okay. I'm very sad. Our kids will be very sad. This is not what I wanted. But go."

That very act alone might start to put some doubt in her head.

But don't do it for her.

Do it for your own sanity.

Dawgy, ^^^^^this^^^^^ is such good advice. I'm in the same place as you. H is ready to move out and I feel in many ways it's the dealbreaker. That if he walks I'm done, that I'll never get over the damage that causes to our children. But I also know I can't stop it, and I'll just have to decide where I stand when it happens. Some days I'm even ready for him to go. And that's a lot easier than hyperventilating on the floor, which I've done. There's something to be said for preserving your own sanity, for yourself and your kids.

I know the timing s*cks, so close to the start of school, I struggle with that myself. But there's always going to be something. Two of my kiddos have October birthdays, then there's Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then my birthday, then the other kiddo's birthday. There's just not a "good" time. And you have to let that be. For me, BD was Good Friday, and there will never be anything good about that again. In our family Easter picture I'm trying really hard to hold it all together, and the thought of that will mar that lovely day far into the future. It just is.

[canyou?]

good luck today, Dawgy, just remember that you have no control over this situation -- take care of yourself, find some happiness in you ...

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, you're getting good advice from everyone here. A couple of thoughts from me:

When she's left and moved in with OM that's when she'll be in the thick of her A and that's when she'll start seeing the little flaws of that man. He'll start farting in bed - the really smelly ones. Being grumpy in the morning with jungle breath. He'll snap at her a few times and soon enough she'll start seeing that the grass isn't always greener. Be the greenest grass you can be. (you can still fart, just not in her company) Right now she's colour blind. My first wife called me up a couple of years ago crying & saying the grass isn't always greener - that was the morning after the SWAT team took away her new husband for child porn offenses - he's in jail now. Sometimes karma comes in surprising ways.

By her leaving, the secret of her A will be exposed to all. The romance and intrigue of the secret life will be replaced with anger and rejection from family and friends. Do I paint a picture here?

Your kids may take this hard and feel anger toward your W for the perceived rejection of them. Be there for them. Answer questions they may have. Don't tell them too many details. You could say something like mommy is having some problems in her life that she needs to work through so she needs a time out. I'm not sure of the ages of your kids, but the talk should be age appropriate. Whatever you do, take the high road: don't say anything disrespectful. Be strong and be supportive of your kids. Give them extra helpings of love. You are now the only one modelling moral behaviour - do it right.

GET A LAWYER. This may be the time for you to close the joint account, cut off her credit card and change the locks on the house. I may be over-reacting here. You know your sitch best. If you do those things she will perceive it as you punishing her. She will scream and there will be much gnashing of teeth. It's not punishing - it's protecting you and the kids from the ravages of an addict who may inadvertently ruin your life financially. But talk to a lawyer about it. It's not time to file papers, but just to know your rights and risk exposure. I cut off my W's credit card on New Years and she perceived it as punishment for her A and she said she lost trust in me. (Yeah I had to give my head a shake over that comment.)

Her being out of the house will in some ways be a good thing. You will not have to see her lying face every day. It will make it easier to detach and work on yourself. Work out 3 times a week if you don't already. Read DR over again. Build a warm loving homelife for your kids. Always take the high road.

Find a buddy you can confide in who will respect confidentiality. Open up to him. Stay away from the ladies as tempting as it may be. Don't open up to them.

Try to start meditating - breathe deeply. Practice thought stopping. Keep a PMA & GAL.

This is going to take time. Be patient. Be Zen about it. Things will develop in their own unique way. Accept what happens beyond your control - there's always a silver lining.

Watch the movie The Heat. Just for a laugh (not appropriate for the kids)

[canyou?]

hi dawgy - just checking in to be sure you are doing ok.

[dawgy]

Thx Pete , you are a god send bud . Your advice is always well taken . Ive read your post $ times so far . Very good feelings come when I read posts here . They give hope and hope builds strength . We gotta stick together here , it is something that gives us all support . I havent slept in 3 nights or eaten either but I think Im gonna eat today . The problem with being so upset and not sleeping or eating the mind does not work right and then compounds the bad feelings . Gotta start eating and sleeping again . And Canyou thanks for asking how I am my friend , it means alot Dawgy

[u-turn]

Take care of yourself dawgy. Your have to be strong for yourself and kids. Your kids will pick up on everything you do. If you are sad or angry - they will absorb that and become that too. If you are faking happy - they will have fun with you - then suddently you won't have to fake it, you will for a moment forget about your problems and you can live in that moment. That starts the PMA ball rolling.

I was accused of not being positive and happy enough around the kids by W - (back when I was a complete wreck). She said it was causing the kids to be negatively affected too much. I understood that and saw that so I faked it. (though it seemed like - here let me stab you in the back, but how dare you bleed in front of the kids)

Eating and sleeping has been my downfall as well. I find myself missing those things too. I tend to stop eating when stressed (not healthy for me) and sleep (sheesh - forget that sometimes).

Really try to find something to take your mind off of this so it can play out.

--hypocritical message from u-turn (as I find it hard to follow any of this) - ugh

[dawgy]

Thanks Turn buddy . Another good post to help Dawgy survive through this . Sometimes i feel myself man up and it feels great and i say to heck with it , Im gonna get on with my life and do well again . But that is still on this side of the mountain that im climbing . I want to get past this and make it to the top but I keep sliding down . It gets very tiring getting back up and to keep on climbing .