Hey LT, My W is doing many of the same things. She just changes the days she has custody of D14 without even bothering to let me know. My MIL just showed up in my drive one day and said that I was going to have her another week and her mother for the 2 weeks after. Not a word from my W about it. Yes, it's a control thing. It's not that I would have said no if W had asked but, like you said common courtesy.
I spent a good part of my M with a very depressed W. She talked about not wanting to go on but never actually attempted suicide. Believe me I know how living with a depressed S takes a big toll. It's like we have to be both mom and dad at the same time. With my D19, when she was in HS I was the one who took her out to get her prom dresses, took her shopping for big events, took her to those events, waited for her to take her home after, etc. The only pictures we have of her before her prom were taken by me as my W decided that she "had" to work late. Now that she is 19, she see's me as the parent that she can depend on, who was there for her all her life while she has said she couldn't live with her mom because she's so "undependable". That is just so sad to me. Since my w has left and D14 is in school, the first 5 days D14 had to ask me on 3 of those days to take her even though she was staying with her mom as her mother (her mother moved 27.5 miles away, it's like she's only a mile down the road!) couldn't be bothered to wait a half hour before going to work (she has total flexibility about when she starts her work day).
My W also took another job even though she makes plenty of money in her regular job. Since leaving my W has become obsessed about money. She never would take care of the bills, always left that to me, because she found it so "stressful" (part of her depression, I think) and I think she is stressing out about having to do it now. I have no idea how she would be able to handle it if she didn't have as good a paying job as she does! The not wanting you to know what she is doing, keeping everything a secret is just what my W does as well. Like was said, it's like teenagers who don't want mom and dad to know what they are doing.
Remember that much of how your D14 is acting is normal, teenager stuff. It's just magnified now because of what your W has been doing. If you weren't in such a state of flux with your M, it wouldn't seem as bad as it does now. But, you have no control over that now. Your W decided to do what she has and you can't stop her or even slow her down. Trying just will make her go faster. Hang in there LT. We both have to realize that we are no longer able to help our w's when they get depressed. Getting out of the "we must handle everything because W is too sick" mode isn't as easy as it sounds.
