My H and I have been married almost 19 years, together 23 years. We were high school sweethearts who married at 21. We are always the couple everyone wanted to be like and, from my point of view, never fought. As far as I was concerned, our marriage was a close to perfect as one could be. We had our first S8 after 11 years of marriage, then had D4 and S3. We are now both aged 40.
In Nov 2012 H left the home "for 30 days" for work reasons after the recent failure of his business here. This 30 days has continued to today. We were considering moving to the other side of the country (where he is working) up until last summer. We were not having luck getting a family home there and decided to put the move on hold.
My "bomb drop" was June 2013. At that point H told me that he felt our marriage was on the rocks which completely blindsided me. The separation had not been easy on our marriage but I considered all that went with that (more arguments than normal about where our life was headed) completely normal. He told me he had been unhappy for a while and that I treated him badly and talked down to him. I was shocked by this, apparently what I thought was amazing compatibility was actually him silently protesting and stuffing it and holding it against me. This conversation then resulted in about 5 months of not-so-nice behavior between both of us that resulted in him telling me in Nov 2013 that he was unsure if wanted to live with me again (he didn't say ever but he did say he was not sure how long that would be for). When I mentioned that that will not work in the context of a family he seemed to be ok with me leaving rather than bending on his end. Also around this time he became very food and gym obsessed and changed his entire wardrobe. He was also spending time with a male roommate who was going through a bitter D and was a real jerk in general.
In Dec 2013 I asked him and he confirmed that ILYBINILWY anymore. On 1/1/2014 I asked him to give our relationship a full year of work before deciding on a divorce. He reluctantly agreed. We have done some sessions with our Pastor (we are both Christians) and a marriage coach but didn't make much progress because he was always holding back and unwilling to commit to our marriage, even though he agrees it is what is best for our family and what God would want.
In July 2014 he gave me 10 pages of notes about what is going through his head. In his words he is a "hot mess" in his head. These notes indicated that it would not work to live together as a family due to his work schedule (he has been coming home about 5-6 days a month), that he thinks that the kids will be fine with that amount of contact with the kids (it's about quality not quantity to him), that he really likes being independant and making all his own daily decisions every day, that he thinks I am amazing but he can't be the man I need him to be, that he's not ever had an affair but he recounted many women in his life in the past that all "made me feel good about myself". I, of course reacted out of hurt and anger and pushed him away further.
Shortly thereafter I came to the conclusion that I was dealing with a man in MLC, who may or may not actually want a D. I immediately backed off and took away all responsibility and accountability and he reacted really well to that, even asking "why are you being so nice to me?". All was going well until 8/27 when he told me (by phone!) that he "doesn't want to be in a relationship" with me. I asked if that meant he wanted a D and he confirmed that he does. I begged, cried, reasoned, shamed and no change.
His "picture" of our D will go like this according to him: He will still pay all bills and support me as well or better than he does now & we will remain the best of friends and do holidays and vacation with the kids together. I asked him what is changing then? Is our M just all about sex? (which he hasn't since May 2014) He claims no and that there still is no OW and he is unsure if he is completely done with me or if he has interest in having interest in an OW. He still tells me he loves me and is fine with me telling him I love him. He still initiates contact most every day and our conversations are polite. He has advised that he will never move back full time to the state where we (the kids and I) live.
As we are Christians I have asked him to have faith that God can take this even little bit of love he still has for me and turn it into the love we once had or even better but he says he is unsure if he can believe God can or will do that and he's simply tired of waiting and trying.
At this point I have told him that I still have hope and faith and I am praying that he reconsiders his decision, maybe not making the opposite decision yet but simply even reconsiders making any decision at all. I have also told him that I will not file for D and that I will not have conversations about ending our M over the phone any longer, he has agreed to talk face to face next time he is in town (in about 3 weeks). I have told him that until God or the courts tell me otherwise, I am his wife and I will behave accordingly. I believe I am a stander, but I'm not sure I'm making the right "moves" to increase my odds that this marriage can be saved. I am trying to hold on to hope but also trying to protect my heart.
Thanks for reading. Any advice is truly appreciated.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together