Either this letter really WAS something you needed in order to feel safe in the marriage again . . . truly a core boundary/"dealbreaker" for you . . . or it wasn't.
If it WASN'T, then the very fact that you demanded that she send one WOULD be "controlling" and just more of the same, would it not?
And if it WAS, you wouldn't waver on it.
It's all in the TONE of how you say it (and I wouldn't recommend email for this reason). If you lovingly say "Look, if I were you I wouldn't want to send it either, but I'm afraid it's a dealbreaker for me. I really do need this in order to feel safe in the marriage again." (or something very similar)
There are really two different (but both very important) issues here: one is your wife conveying in no uncertain terms to her OM that their affair is OVER, that she is working on her marriage with Tarheel, and he is not to contact her -- ever again.
The other is some willingness from her to give you what you need here. Particularly if the words "I'm sorry" are not going to be coming from her lips anytime soon, ACTIONS such as these are all the more important. It's a sign that she "gets it," and is willing to "do whatever it takes" to work on the marriage again with you.
