Time for a new thread and I wish it came with a new perspective. I was doing so well last week! Genuine growth and I was feeling strong, hugely positive and very buoyant.
The last 24 hours, however, has me wanting to either track him down and say, "ok, enough of this. Pack your stuff, get home and let's work on this thing! You're hurt. I hear you. You're angry. I hear you. You're empty. I hear you. You've got nothing to give. I hear you. We can do this!!!! So, let's do it, dammit! Let's heal this marriage TOGETHER!!!!" or walk away all together.
Why are my solutions so diametrically opposed? I hate the feeling of being inspired to work SO freaking hard on something only to be met with resistance by him. How can you not want to work to save something so precious, so important? How can he NOT see that as worthwhile? Especially now that I have a guideline of tools and skills and resources to help us out which we'd never had before!
It feels like he gets to keep a tally of whether Ss is earning him back properly. In reality though he is probably facing a lot of pain himself and he needs space to process all that. It's hard not to believe he's stewing and sitting in the victim seat perpetually dwelling on his emptiness and the horrors I dished out to him while I work my arse off building a foundation of trust, of strength, of safety, of kindness, love and setting my pain aside for the betterment of something I only hope for.
Ugh. It hurts and it feels unfair and counter intuitive and it makes me want to SCREAM.
oh please let me hear whether I got this job today so I can take my mind of my personal circus.
