Wifes severe depression, MLC, and suicide attempt

[AJM]

It is a good thing for her, LT.

What are you planning to do today?


AJ

[Lifes Twists]

I feel the same AJ the more I think about it.

Today I am planning to look at my project list and figure out which one I work on next. I can start a big project to finish building the office or I could finish up the upstairs hallway by installing molding and rehanging some doors. I am leaning towards the hallway as I could possibly get it done today or tomorrow. All of it will be good as it clears the clutter from my life and allows me to have time for my own pursuits. I also have no idea when my youngest comes home today as that also seems to be a big secret like everything else in my wifes life right now.

Hope you have a good day planned for yourself?

[AJM]

The hallway sounds like a good plan. May as well make use of the time while you have it, right?

The secrets? Yep, you should expect those. 7 years later, mine still does that and tries to manipulate etc. I've learned that what doesn't matter... doesn't matter. It's annoying more than anything, but without expectations, everything is a pleasant surprise

I have almost nothing planned, just relaxing this weekend for the most part. My father recently passed away and I am working on some of the paperwork, but otherwise just enjoying the nice weather. Hope you get outside a little - it's nice across most of the country today.

AJ

[Lifes Twists]

It is beautiful here too, but a little muggy.

What I have not figured out is whether it is coparenting when one won't communicate things to the other. I had stepped out to get something and came home to find youngest had been dropped off. I am going to have to figure out if I need to set a boundary on this. I don't like not being able to plan a little bit. I feel she is trying to control it a little bit by not telling me. What if I had planned on being away for the day since my daughter spent the night with her. I will be planning some solo GAL weekend trips later this month into next month. I will just tell her that I am not going to be here and she needs to keep them down there till I get back.

[Lifes Twists]

So I get an email today from my lawyer.I hate lawyers. We have a court date for next Monday to get our agreement in place for the kids and visitation. My lawyer is also trying to get the case review for 90 days done as well on that date. He has been talking to her attorney about drafting the parenting plan, etc. I don't believe my wife has done any pushing on her attorney, yet she feels the divorce will be completed in September. I can see another 90 day period coming up pushing us into December and a very unhappy wife at this point.

I don't think there is any stopping the divorce at this point unless wife get a sudden epiphany. She and her family are so focused on this outcome that I feel it needs to happen so we have a chance of moving beyond it. I don't believe there is any fixing it till after and a cooling off period for her to see life without the benefits of being married. I hope her family are prepared to step up and help her pay her tax bill come next year. She will learn that all the deductions she counted on are now gone.

[AJM]

I am going to have to figure out if I need to set a boundary on this. I don't like not being able to plan a little bit. I feel she is trying to control it a little bit by not telling me.

Ya think? And what exactly would you do to enforce your boundary at this point before the legal Olympics are completed? Just curious...

I don't think there is any stopping the divorce at this point unless wife get a sudden epiphany.

Are you saying you'd take her back? Or that you'd postpone to wait and see? Trying to get a feel for where you are in all of this.

I don't believe there is any fixing it till after and a cooling off period for her to see life without the benefits of being married.

What does "fixing it" mean exactly? Can you paint that picture for me? 'Cause I'm not sure you and I see the same things.

I can appreciate the hope, LT. I can. It's hard to watch you one step behind her in this but I get the feeling you'll catch up quickly.

To be honest, sometimes you have to lose it all to know what you had, no? Seems you may be what she'll miss, but she really hasn't had a chance to do that yet from the sounds of it.

You have older daughters. You know as well as anyone that your daughter, at 14 will be fine in the house. She isn't old enough to be alone overnight from the sound of it, but otherwise, she'll be fine. And if you are out of town or whatever?? Daughter can call her mom and get a ride back. Or her older siblings. Be careful what you focus on - there's a test later

AJ

[Lifes Twists]

HI AJ,

I am not sure on how to enforce a boundary on what should be common courtesy. Maybe after our agreement in regards to the children goes through the court next Monday I will be able to work this out with her during coparent counseling that is mandated as part of the agreement.

Would I take her back? I think that would depend on where I am in my own personal growth and where she is at in her head. Would I take a postponement of the divorce? No, I think this time I would want it finalized as I don't want to go on this ride again.

When I say fixing it, I mean in terms of any chance of any kind of relationship with her in the future. I believe that until she has time to see that a divorce does not mean happiness and a easier life, she won't move forward. Until she can see this I don't think we can have any kind of relationship.

I know I seem one step behind her. I think that is because of all the time I have had to protecting and helping my daughters while picking up a lot of the mess her suicide attempt left in its wake. I have spent so much time on them that I have not really had time for myself until now.

I think she is starting to get a sense of loosing it all. The problem is that since she is always a negative person it will take longer for it to settle in if it ever does.

[Matt165]

Hey LT,
My W is doing many of the same things. She just changes the days she has custody of D14 without even bothering to let me know. My MIL just showed up in my drive one day and said that I was going to have her another week and her mother for the 2 weeks after. Not a word from my W about it. Yes, it's a control thing. It's not that I would have said no if W had asked but, like you said common courtesy.

I spent a good part of my M with a very depressed W. She talked about not wanting to go on but never actually attempted suicide. Believe me I know how living with a depressed S takes a big toll. It's like we have to be both mom and dad at the same time. With my D19, when she was in HS I was the one who took her out to get her prom dresses, took her shopping for big events, took her to those events, waited for her to take her home after, etc. The only pictures we have of her before her prom were taken by me as my W decided that she "had" to work late. Now that she is 19, she see's me as the parent that she can depend on, who was there for her all her life while she has said she couldn't live with her mom because she's so "undependable". That is just so sad to me. Since my w has left and D14 is in school, the first 5 days D14 had to ask me on 3 of those days to take her even though she was staying with her mom as her mother (her mother moved 27.5 miles away, it's like she's only a mile down the road!) couldn't be bothered to wait a half hour before going to work (she has total flexibility about when she starts her work day).

My W also took another job even though she makes plenty of money in her regular job. Since leaving my W has become obsessed about money. She never would take care of the bills, always left that to me, because she found it so "stressful" (part of her depression, I think) and I think she is stressing out about having to do it now. I have no idea how she would be able to handle it if she didn't have as good a paying job as she does! The not wanting you to know what she is doing, keeping everything a secret is just what my W does as well. Like was said, it's like teenagers who don't want mom and dad to know what they are doing.

Remember that much of how your D14 is acting is normal, teenager stuff. It's just magnified now because of what your W has been doing. If you weren't in such a state of flux with your M, it wouldn't seem as bad as it does now. But, you have no control over that now. Your W decided to do what she has and you can't stop her or even slow her down. Trying just will make her go faster. Hang in there LT. We both have to realize that we are no longer able to help our w's when they get depressed. Getting out of the "we must handle everything because W is too sick" mode isn't as easy as it sounds.

[Lifes Twists]

I just got email from my attorney as a follow up to finalize stuff for Mondays court date. He told me that apparently her attorney has not told her that she needs to be there nor has he prepared anything of what he was supposed to do for the court date. I guess my wife and her family really know how to pick an attorney. She had a winner last year and now another one this year. I sent a text to my wife to give her a heads up that we have court on Monday. I am sure she loved getting that at 3 pm on a Friday afternoon. I can see this process dragging out again this year.

[Lifes Twists]

So I woke up this morning a bit agitated about the divorce process in this state and my wifes MLC detachment from reality. The Connecticut court system forces divorces along on a timeline. It expects both parties to work together to meet certain goals during the process. After you file you have 90 days to put thing in order and file a case file. To meet these goals it takes both parties to discuss things to create parenting plans, division of property and such. Up to this last week there has been basically no contact with my wife. I have left it up to her to carry this as she is the one who wants it and has to initiate certain parts of it based on the way things are set up. On Monday we go in to court with nothing done. It will cost $600.00 plus each for this pleasure. Its almost like deep down there is some thread of activity within her that does not want this or to let go.

It never ceases to amaze me how out of touch a person going through MLC can become. It is a wonder they can function at work. I wish there was a law that in order for a person to initiate a divorce they have to be able to understand the requirement and be fully able to function and follow through with the requirements.