Recover from an A

[Train]

Hey, Tar!

Like Starsky, I didn't want to know all the details. I continue to choose, instead, to focus on the issues in our M that led to the A - things we could actually do something about.

Some people want/need to know details; others, like me, don't. Some people need to hear a lot of apologies and see a lot of remorse; others, like me, don't.

I did ask *some* questions. Now, just more than four months into piecing, I've stopped asking ANY questions about the A or OW, even if they pop into my mind. But H has maintained open communication and has said he will calmly and truthfully answer any and all questions I have, if any should arise, for as long as I have them.

In the beginning, when I was asking questions about OW and/or H's actions, I found myself spiraling during otherwise enjoyable moments - like when H had planned an amazing date for us. (What a buzz-kill!!!) I also learned that he literally cannot answer any questions I have to my satisfaction. The A will NEVER make sense to me; no point trying to make something senseless make sense. What DOES make sense is how p!ss-poor our M was before the A ... and how we never want to be there again. So THAT is what we're focusing on now. And if I have questions, I try to gear them there. I want H and I to be a team. I don't want to drag-up those old feelings of being adversaries ... I don't WANT to get stuck in the muck of those couple months. Asking questions keeps the focus on the A. And I don't want to be there anymore. Does that make sense?

HopefulStill suggested to me, as soon as H re-committed to our M, to have ONE discussion about the A/OW and ask every question I had ... and then drop it. I had that discussion ... but I still had some questions that would trickle out over a month or so.

Overall, I just think a whole bunch of questions about affairs and affair-partners is pointless at best. It's also downright torture to hear some of the answers.