I am so glad this discussion is being had... again. Thank you to the vets for understanding the importance of the archives. Job and Cadet, thanks for saving this and bringing this topic back.
OK, so... The distancer describes my xh to a T! Oh my goodness! The only thing is, xh always needed reassurances. There is no doubt this came from abandonment issues.
While he was wildly independent- never let anyone too close. I was the exception. Yes, he would distance himself from me, and liked his "alone time" (he would go on the computer every day looking at things to buy) and was drastically emotionally distant (as the description states). However, he always wanted me around or to know that I would be at any second. He was highly uncomfortable if I wasn't available at a given second. It would enrage him!
H always wanted me around and wanted to do everything together. Even the same bed time. So, I was confused by the pursuer/distancer at first before I had the listed definitions. I do fit many characteristic of pursuer, mainly in our r, not so much outside of it. I always wanted to fix it, even if he were wrong, I would assist him in making it right.
I just felt like him wanting me around was his type of pursuit. That is not it at all! It was just his own insecurities stemming from childhood abandonment. And, I think part of the control and self-centeredness as listed as a distancer.
There is an amazing article about abandonment on HeartsBlessings website. It explains how one may be emotionally distant and reserved but also may be clingy and needy.
I do think that some of these behaviors go hand-in-hand. It can be confusing when it comes to pursuers & distancers, because like my xh, he is textbook distancer, however can be very clingy because of abandonment issues.
Again, thank for keeping this important stuff "alive"!
