barely holding on - 3

[u-turn]

Going on about this-
something in me makes me want to undo all of these mistakes I made. To start from the beginning. to take back all of the things that I said. I feel like I gave her no accountability for her decisions and now she is holding me to it. I have changed. My feelings have changed. How I look at myself has changed. I made these decisions based on fear and I am not afraid any more.

How do I undo this?

I still have my emotions to contend with. My emotions still cause me to make bad decisions. I have definitely been driven by that this weekend and detachment is not happening easily. I am faking that still.

We spent a lot of time together and it could have been perfectly normal if I let it. At times it was almost date-like. I even made the mistake of planting a big kiss on her at the park the other night while we walked and waited for D14 (who was at a concert).

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't actually know about the A all would seem perfectly normal.

She is currently on an upswing with an emotional connection with the kids again. It is good to see that. Though all I see right now is that she wants to hold the family together (where I am just a small factor in that - she just needs to keep me from leaving - and no more than that).

I am trying not to show how her current actions are affecting me. She still seems to throw intentional digs at me (maybe it's just me seeing it that way).