Don't even know where to start- H kept saying he wanted to talk. I left it up to him to start. So tonight he started talking about our previous text R conversation as well as what he would do when his lease is up as far as where to live etc. He talked about potentially staying in our house ( other room) for a little bit but if he does that it needs to be short term b/c if he comes back to house it should be to fully come back, and it would be too confusing for everyone..... Etc
Then kept talking about how he felt like he needed to make a decision, so that everyone could move forward. I threw out a couple truth darts about how everyone was still going to have some confusion and turmoil no matter which direction things went, and that I didn't need him to make a decision for me to move forward, I would be fine no matter what and if there came a time that I felt decision needed to be made I would make it but for now I'm ok where things are. He talked about how he is learning about how much all his past ( childhood, military career especially) affected him and how some of our issues made those triggers worse. He knows he has to keep working on them and that any new relationship would also have issues.
He seemed to focus a lot on D, that he still had too much hurt and knew he wasn't ready to come home yet, that he would just screw things up. But then talked about how he loves me and he can't escape his heart and he knows D doesn't fix everything and make the hurt go away. I again mainly listened, but did use a play from Raine's book and tell him he'll never find the depth of connection with anyone else he has with me, and he agreed. But then also said he's not in a place he can give all of himself to me and so it's better not to do halfway.
I did get a little emotional when his EA came up and we talked through some of it. He was no longer defensive at all like he used to be. He asked me some questions about what I was feeling and I explained that I was working on it but took a hit to my self esteem b/c I felt like I wasn't worth being with or was second choice. He said it was never about me it was the emotional distance between us at the time and his need for affection and attention, and he's still scared he would mess up again if we hit a rough patch. I said I understand it wasnt about my own worth, but it's not a logical thing I need to process it's the emotions of it, just like his issues. I also told him there are no guarantees, I get that. He agreed that some things make logical sense but our emotions take over. Early in the process of his distancing ( aka MLC) he got to a point that if he didn't make me happy, he felt he was worthless, if I didn't want to ML he was worthless, and on and on. I again validated and said I understood. He also asked if in regard to his EA was there anything he could do to help me process it. I said sometimes when we talk it seems you don't agree you took it too far. He paused for a moment, and said based on his first reaction to my statement he could see why it seemed that way. Then he looked in my eyes and said " I'm sorry. I was wrong. I took things too far". I thanked him for that and made sure to reiterate that I know I did much to contribute to the distance between us that led to that opportunity.
He talked about how amazing I have been and that he wants to raise these kids with me together. He said he knows he spends an awful lot of time with us at the house and obviously enjoys it. ( his counselor frequently tells him he's still married he's just sleeping in a really expensive hotel at night).
He asked about if we were D could we still have the same relationship we do now and could he still come over and see kids if he only has a tiny apt where there isn't room for them. I said I'll never keep you from kids so we can figure things out for that piece, but as far as us I don't know. I think our interactions would significantly change. ( of course who am I kidding- a long as there was no OW I would still stay as close to him as I am now. At least initially. But I'm not telling him that).
There was so much more to this conversation but the gist is as above. It's like he wants to take the leap to try again but is too fearful. His talking was often focused on ending it but his actions ( body language, eyes, gentle touches between us) spoke much love and desire. And of course at the end of the 2 HOUR! talk, we ML. I was snuggling him after and I said something about a " next time", And he said " there will always be a next time". I'll take that as he's not ready to let go of me yet
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
