Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[PeterV2]

So tonight she invited me over for a late (10pm) dinner. I had the apology letter in my back pocket and after dinner she said she was going to bed so I was walking out to leave and she asked what was in my back pocket. She pulled it out and I said it's for her. She opened it and started to read it so I said wait - let me read it to you so I pulled out my typed copy and read it to her as she followed along with my handwritten copy.

After I finished she commented that it must have taken a lot of courage to write that. I said yes, and a lot of soul searching. She said she was going to read it again later. Then she asked me to stay for a glass of wine.

We talked. She said she needs to find herself. That over the 10 years she's been with me she felt she put her own self aside to conform to my life. She said that's been a pattern in her life and she needs to change that. She needs to be strong as her own self and only then can she be ready to be with me again. She's thinking of getting an apartment so she can get away from both me and her job.

She also reiterated her fear that my changes are only temporary, so I told her my changes are not to get her back, but are for me for the rest of my life. She said time will tell. I told her I understand her trepidation, and it's understandable after two previous relationships with alcoholics.

We spoke about me not holding her enough over the years and me always going straight for sex. And how that made her feel used and lonely. I told her that I held her a lot but she said it was not enough.

Then I told her I missed sleeping with her. I should not have said that. I was feeling vulnerable. She said it put a lot of pressure on her. I apologized. She said it made her feel guilty. Things were going so well until I blew it with that remark. I could kick myself. I backpedalled as much as I could but the horse was out of the barn so to speak.

I left on good terms though. We'll be painting together tomorrow. I'll try to keep the R talk to a minimum. Let it cool a bit.