After my last post about how my WAW approached me and we started talking, I felt great. I was starting to read DR again, we were communicating. The talks weren't going so great, we disagreed about quite a few things but that's ok, I wasn't naive enough to think it wouldn't take time and work. But then something happened.
My step son (young adult who lives with me) started acting weird. Temperamental, bad moods, talking to himself. Soon he began sending strange text messages with weird accusations and mean things today to his mother and sister. Eventually he was doing it with me too. He began staying up all night screaming at himself, furious rages that scared everyone. He was keeping weapons in his room and was screaming at the neighbours, accusing people of watching him. I had to spend several nights at other people's homes and had the kids at her place. In time I e was able to convince him to come to a hospital and they forced him to stay for anti-psychotic Meds. It seems he may have become schizophrenic.
During this time, as you can imagine, there wasn't time to talk romance and relationships. She's now on the verge of a breakdown. Somehow I became the enemy for saying I can't help him. He's coming back home medicated part time to my home but were going to have a social worker find him a place to live. It seems I'm unfeeling and cold hearted because I can't live with him anymore. I won't lie, it scares me. There's nothing of reason with the rages. I can't help him and I can't place myself or the younger kids in danger if ever the Meds aren't working or he decides he doesn't need them anymore.
This is beyond square one. It feels like were farther back than ever before. I'm trying to get her to talk about her feelings, work with her on this but she's only doing that with her friends now. I'm disappointed. I thought we'd somehow work together on this but we aren't. I've been mostly on my own with this problem. It's pretty depressing. I wouldn't be surprised if this kills whatever chance we had.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Oh wow, 2S. That is a tough situation. I am a little bit confused - your W no longer lives with you, correct? But her adult son does? If I am understanding that correctly, I am confused as to why you are so cold hearted yet she does not have him living with her? (And FTR, I agree that you cannot have an unstable person around your younger children. Or really, you either.)
I'm sorry that things have gone awry with the reconciliation. Perhaps this will just be a blip on the radar, or maybe it will be a turning point - to see if the two of you can make it through.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
He has had behaviour problems for a long time. We now see it was a precursor to this mental illness. Her answer for a long time was to be the mother bear and defend whatever he does or say or feels and be mad at everyone around him.
In her view, he's taking Meds now so the problem's solved and I'm cold hearted for saying that it isn't enough. I agreed he can come back to my home temporarily. That well do a gradual return to see how it works. But I've made it clear to her and his doctor that he can't stay, this is only a transition so he doesn't become homeless. She won't take him in, he's stressed her to the point of a breakdown. There's a social worker assigned to him to help him find housing that offers I dependant living but with medical supervision. He can do this for a year or so as he stabilizes and learns to be more independent.
Everyone around me agrees with my decision, his doc told me he can't guarantee he wouldn't become violent and understands my position too. But I guess mothers don't think that way? To her, his feelings are the most important thing.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Oooh, this is a very tough situation. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation but I feel like the safety and well being of the younger kids and yourself are paramount.
I understand your W is a momma bear and wants to consider his feelings. That is really important but denial of the actual situation doesn't help him any. He needs help and to be watched so he doesn't lapse on his meds AT ALL.
I'm so sorry things are becoming even more complicated.
I still do not understand why she would criticize you for not wanting him to live with you permanently, if she is not willing to have him live with her. ??
Honestly, it sounds to me like she is having some difficult feelings about the situation, and she is taking it out on you. You are doing nothing wrong. You probably won't be able to convince her of this, though. Let some time pass and see what happens when the smoke clears.
Do you want to R with her?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
She agrees with him transitioning but conversations went in ways she didn't like.
She would say "first he needs to come home and when he feels comfortable we can discuss it with him in a way he doesn't feel pushed out" I would answer "we need to discuss this transition ASAP as he begins to come back. I'm not comfortable with this situation at all and if he's going to object or refuse to cooperate I need to know before he's released".
I understand it sounds cold or unemotional but I'm sorry that's how it has to be.
This long weekend he's at my place during the day while she's spending it away with friends at a cottage because she feels like she's on the edge of a burnout.
She texted me once with "I wish the younger ones could stay with you permanently and he'd stay with me" in anger. I asked her to confirm that as a request and she never said it again.
I would love to R but it seems so foreign now. I can barely remember holding her anymore. She almost seems a stranger.
How about you Melissag? I'm sorry I haven't kept up with your situation. Any progress I. Yours?
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Maybe I'm an emotional 'tard, maybe I just over complicate everything.
Has anyone ever gotten to a point where the solution to the "hole in your heart" was to just get the situation over with more than it was to have her back? I know it sounds like I'm in the tedious details but that's how it seems now. I still love her, I do but the hurt seems to have a different solution now.
Is this just normal part of GAL?
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
I have no idea what is "normal" so I won't speak to that but I will say I vacillate between wanting to throw in the towel myself and wanting to work so freaking hard it'll make his head spin to see the marriage we'll have if he just would consider it.
I often think that just throwing in the towel, while super tempting, is a temporary solution to a permanent problem and my efforts are better spent working at chipping away at the permanent problem, you know?
For me that is about once a week. DB'ing when your WAS is being just plain evil, or is lashing out and hurting you is tough.
I switch between just wanting this to be over, to seeing a glimmer of hope in my WAW eye and getting hope.
Then I get hit in the face by her actions. And I lay bloodied on the floor just trying to stuff something into the whole in my heart...
So yes, this is normal.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
