I hope you can try to accept yourself where you are. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and a part of this process. You had this person in the backdrop of your life for 30 years? Even if she was unavailable and depressed for much of it...she was there. And, now, she isn't. It takes some getting used to.
You have choices.
You can fill up the empty space with someone else.
Or...
You can fill up the empty space with YOU. Take a deep breath and fill your insides with your own name. Celebrate you. You are one tough cookie and you WILL laugh again and you WILL feel joy again and you WILL feel settled again.
Right now, you are in the pruning stages. Think about an overgrown, neglected fruit tree. Left as it is, it will survive...but, the fruit may not be the best and it may look and appear terrible. Prune it...get rid of the branches that are weighing it down...it may hurt...be uncomfortable and the tree may not rally right away...with some care, though, the tree could be even better than before.
You are pruning your old life...you are shaping the branches and putting the stuff that weighed you down aside...burn it, let it go...little-by-little...you are handling things as they come...the IRS, your daughters, the dissolution/divorce, the job situation...just keep putting one foot in front of the other. At some point, you will turn around and realize, "Hey!! I handled this!! I can do this! I'm going to be ok."
When a single soldier is in the foxhole and surrounded by enemy fire...which it sounds like you are...it's a good idea to call for help/reinforcements, along with building some thick walls/boundaries and/or making a strategy for a retreat to a safer spot.
Question: Is the IRS deal only yours to deal with?? How does W fit into the picture?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
