Aaaahhhhh....Matt- If we could all be like Heather!
I'm sorry you are so bummed. I get it. I feel that way too sometimes. It breaks my heart to hear you are feeling this. I have a hard time sleeping as well, and I also have very vivid dreams. A couple months ago, when I was in the "fog" I felt like my life was a dream. My dreams seemed like reality, because I would dream about my "old" life. It was so weird; several times I would wake up and it would take a few seconds to figure out which was real and which was a dream.
I get in these funks where I just don't feel like doing anything, but then I hate doing nothing. I felt that today. I thought, "I hate my life." And it's not that I hate it, and I know I have so much to be grateful for, I just don't like this situation all too often. I don't like feeling overburdened by everything and being alone. The things I would do, I don't want to do alone. It is hard to describe, but I just don't know where to go. Which step do I take? What do I want to do? It is definitely baby steps. The new things I do, I usually do enjoy very much. It is just a matter of doing them.
I have become very close with a friend of mine. She has been great. We weren't really close before this, but she really pulled through for me. She was persistent with me and continued to try to get me to do things, even though I said no most of the time. It was just too hard to be around people sometimes. I still find that I don't always say yes, but it's ok. It was hard for me to really let someone "new" in, but it has been a blessing.
Try to find someone to really relate with. It can be difficult, but it is OK to let your guard down.
Tomorrow I am going to be with family for a little bit, but I feel really guilty saying that it is hard for me. I love them and they are wonderful. We do have lots of fun and not a lot of drama, but honestly, I'd probably rather do nothing. How terrible is that? I know that once I go, I will feel better, and be glad I did.
After I got nuked, I went to the dr for ADs. I never in a million years thought I would be on them. EVER! It is sooo not my personality, but I just did not know how I was going to get through that nuclear bomb. I had been through the initial bd, and I was sent backwards and then some with the nuke. I need it to.... geez.... it almost seems like the word here is... survive! Pretty dramatic, huh?
I'm just sharing my feelings and experiences, Matt. Even though we are different, I can relate to some of your feelings.
I guess if I were to help you, I'd say you still need to detach more. Speaking, of course from my bd experience, I can see how you feel. I did not have to do AD with that bomb, and the biggest thing that helped me was realizing that I couldn't control anything/anyone but myself. I even had to let go of my kids a little. My kids are teens, like your d. I had to face the fact that they were old enough to form their opinions and feelings. Although I wanted to control some of it, I simply couldn't. I talked with them and when necessary, told them what I thought from my perspective, but I honored their own feelings about things.
My s did a lot of things I didn't understand or agree with. We recreated our r as a result of the past year. Although I had to draw the line many times, I also had to let him go more. I had to let him learn the school of hard knocks a little more and support him. I had to be there to pick up the pieces. I had to stay calm and look for solutions to problems/issues he had. In doing this, it helped me move on a little more. It relieved some of the stress and anxiety because I realized there was a lot beyond my control.
As far a your w- you just need to check the "out-of-touch" box next to her name. There is nothing you can do to change her or control her. I think you are still holding on too tightly. Even if it is not to the r, it is to your expectations of what kind of mother/wife/person/friend you think she should be. I understand you've seen a different side to her and what she USED to be. Well, say good-bye to her! Maybe that "her" will come back, but maybe not. That, my friend, is out of your control.
To really save yourself from this low point, you need to release her. Release ANY expectations you have of her. Find a way to find humor in it. I know it sounds twisted, and often impossible. But you do have a great sense of humor. Do her actions really surprise you anymore? Don't let her continue to get ahold of your emotions, Matt. I know it is hard because your d is involved. Don't lose your beliefs for what you feel is right for your d. Take actions you feel are right for your d. But some things you may just have to let go and let your d know you are supporting her. I think you may have to follow db with her. I am thinking back to MWD rules for db. The different ways of communicating and being supportive.
Some of it, Matt, you simply have to just let go. I know, easier said than done. I hope I am not coming across preachy. I just really want you to feel better. But trust me, I so get it. I get the same way. I'm just sharing some things that have helped me. I've been there. Heck, I am there. I still get that way sometimes. We will get through this, Matt.
