The relief that the GrittStorm finally moved along? That relief was replaced by waterworks again. I took on an extra job for the weekend and wept all through Friday afternoon while trying to finish it.
I can't even enjoy the interludes between GrittStorms anymore. Where I used to think it meant he was getting better, now I know it means he'll start up again over something else eventually.
No expectations that this GrittStorm was the last one. Plenty of expectations that another one is coming, no matter what I say or do. But maybe in the next mediation appointment perhaps he'll be in a less antagonistic mode? Maybe it will be easier for me not to snivel throughout it?
And then... I get another text from Mr. Gritty.
He started with small talk, asked me what I'm doing, told me what he's doing. My DB coach said to repair the friendship, act like his sister, so I kept my answers short and friendly.
The last time we met outside of a mediation office was at a family gathering. He was polite, acted normally until the moment we were alone -- then he turned on his heel and walked away. Started texting me vitriol as soon as he got home. I have had almost nothing but angry texts from him for four weeks, certainly the longest I've gone so far being constantly bombarded.
So I can't describe how off center I felt by these friendly texts. Then he texts: "You want to hang out?"
This is where I wish there was a DB Coach Hotline. I would've paid $50 just to be able to text the situation to a DB coach and have instructions texted right back at me.
I froze in confusion, couldn't write anything. He texted again. "Baby steps. Just hang out. No drama."
I unfroze and told him I was afraid to say no and afraid to say yes. He said, "I understand", "No worries. It's OK Babe. No pressure." I asked him about doing breakfast instead and he said he didn't know. "Just come over now."
So I could go on about all the back and forth and all the vibrating my brain did as it tried to figure out a plan. But the bottom line is that I did something I am not sure I should've done.
A strong, confident woman would've thanked him and told him to ask me again another time. But I did not do this. I decided to go see him. I showered to get rid of the stink but I did not dress up or put on makeup. I wore clean sweats and drove to where he's staying. The entire way I kept arguing with myself:
"You are an idiot."
"No! This is a way to repair the friendship!"
"Only an idiot would think that."
"I don't care what you think! Shut up!"
"You are NOT going to ML!"
"I KNOW! SHUT UP!"
When I got there he was surprised to see me. He said he didn't think I'd come. I didn't say anything much, as I resolved to listen to what he had to say but he didn't say much, either. He asked me to sit down with him on the couch and I did. He put his arm around me and we just sat there. He smelled good to me and it felt good to sit next to him again. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV and we watched a Steve Martin movie with my head on his shoulder. I remembered seeing this movie with him in a theater back in the late 1990s.
When it was over he asked me if I would like some water. I told him I had to go home. He said he wished I didn't have to, but he was glad I had come. I thanked him for inviting me and then I left. We didn't hug. I walked out to my car and he watched to make sure I was okay, waved goodbye.
On the drive home, I remembered that Gottman says you need at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one. I have no illusions whatsoever that this little interaction would do little to offset what happened in the last month. I kept telling myself not to expect anything different or anything the same. No expectations.
When I got home there was a text: "Thanks for stopping by."
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
