For the last couple of weeks he has been angry with me, accusing me of trying to hurt him, of lying to him, etc. I know he was working himself up to D me. I couldn't stop it, just go along for the ride.
And I’ve been so anxious, so fearful, constantly fighting my constant urges to prove to him that I really don’t want to D! That I would never try to hurt him! If I could figure out how I’m pushing him away I would stop!
Since I'm DBing, I've been fighting those urges with lots of errors and backsliding. But I did my best to get through it.
The dread that this onslaught would never end has been hanging around me in clouds. And yesterday morning, while I was sniffling and feeling sorry for myself, I received a text from Mr. Gritty, thanking me for forwarding him a business email. And then a little bit later, another text! About some lab results. And then later, yet another... and I knew for sure the switch got flipped. Once again he is chatty and friendly.
So the sniffles stopped and I started breathing again. Breathing like I haven't done in a good long time. I’m okay! And wow! Thank goodness that episode is over! It lasted, like, four weeks!
Let me check: OK, so this storm started on July 29, and apparently ended today. That is four weeks. A whole month of fending off Mr. Gritty's anger and lashing out.
And... to be totally honest?
I would say or do anything to avoid another sh!t storm like the last one.
We still have some overdue financial paperwork. He needs to fill it out. I reminded him earlier in August and he blew up. Will I remind him he still needs to do it and the next month needs to be done, too?
Hell no! I can't bear another sh!tstorm right now. (Let's call them GrittStorms from now on.)
I’m looking at my DB notes, my goal was to repair the friendship. OK, so he’s friendly again. For today. We’ll see. That was easy. LOL.
I'm also looking around at my surroundings, because I haven't been looking at them for a couple of weeks. Sure, I did stuff out of the house, I GAL-ed this month, but the house itself is a mess.
Dog hair all over the floor, dirty laundry, everything is a mess. I haven't cleaned in a long time. My workouts have dwindled to nothing, too. I've lost some weight because I haven't been eating right since the first mediation appointment.
Today I didn't even shower, didn't change out of my PJs, I stink.
Conclusion: I can obviously GAL during a GrittStorm, but I'm not taking care of myself like I'm supposed to. I need to change this.
OK. So there is more to this story.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
