When you say you felt in your gut you should send the letter, isn't that the same as you being led by your emotions?
With the programs and therapy you receive, what have you learned about how to control an addictive/compulsive disorder?
I read your post about your confusion over parts of the DR book. I think you need to hear very precise instructions for your individual case. Blanket advice for the general population or in a group setting confuses a lot of people b/c they aren't able to differenciate or compartmentalize. It must be difficult for you in some of your group programs.
Frankly, I don't think you should listen to your "gut", b/c of you are compulsive......especially in relationships. You give way to whatever urge you feel at that moment. Feeding that urge has had bad results for you.
I don't think you can write a letter to Julia and put it away. The idea was to vent some of those urges to tell her one more time how sorry you are. Writing it down on paper is therapeutic for some people, but i don't think it will help you. The compulsion to mail it becomes too strong. And you know when you do it that it goes against the advice you were given, so almost immediately you feel the compulsion to confess your actions.
When you give over to one urge, then another follows it. As you described trying to put out fires. You think you are smothering one fire (to write a letter) but once it is written, the another fire begins (to mail the letter), then you smother that fire by sending the letter and another fire begins (tell the board what you did).
How are you able to make good decisions? How are you able to hold down a job? You feed your senses....... And that is what drives you to destruction.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
