Kinda feels like we are in the same boat, LITB. I am still doing IC with an amazing counselor and one of her colleagues and protégés will be doing joint C. All four of us (me, xw, C, and joint C) met for 1 and a half hour session last week. Went well - and we are on board for more.
I am terrified, but hopeful. XW is still in a place where she is grappling with barriers in her heart resulting from the pains from the past. It is for sure a barrier to intimacy right now but I hope we can power through it lovingly.
As backwards as it may sound, I look at all of the changes and the eye-opening that has happened as a result of the D and it hit me last night....I am grateful for it....grateful for the divorce. F*ck...how's THAT for a 180? It made me evolve and break old destructive habits. I am a better person and father for it...and hope to be a better partner or husband again too. Sure, I hurt from it...a lot....but it minimizes over time as I look for the silver linings.
XW, S and I are headed to Pacific Beach in SD this evening for Labor Day...second family vacay of the summer. I was visiting XW at her place early this morning and helping her get S ready. As I was loading him into my car a total stranger walking a dog strolled by and he says "Hi! I'm going to San Diego with my family!". "With my family"....to someone that has been through what I have been through - hearing your son who suffered through the D too say that.....it almost made me cry on the spot. We had a group hug and went on with our days.
Moment like that make me hope that the barriers in XWs heart will gradually erode. Counseling will help, I hope.
Crimson
Sweet!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
