How to Fling an Otter

[LoisB]

Everyone, you guys are awesome!! Thanks for the Atta Boys! and the Encouragement and the Happy Birthdays!!! It means so much to me.

My dad called and had this huge news...it gets really cold in Watertown! Thanks dad. I hadn't looked into that!! It was nice to talk to him though. He's quietly checking out the company I will be working for...sounds like he has been happily doing some dad stuff and checking into the weather, company, transportation issues...mentioned I may need a new car...duh. I'm thinking his garage full of sportscars will remain unchanged though. I can't believe he chose NOW to remove Smokey's money from the equation. I was really counting on that money...

Funny though...when shid like this happens...I begin, now, to think of solutions as opposed to dwelling on the shid aspects. Starting looking around at the stuff left to sell and how much I could make.

I cleaned an area of the garage yesterday and designated it for stuff we are definitely taking. The pile of sale stuff continues to grow.

No b'day wish from Smokey yesterday. Stung a bit. First time. I kept waiting for it and hated that he was on my mind so much. At the end of the night, I was feeling low and talked myself outta it by looking at the facts...Pretty unrealistic to look to this damaged person to comfort me in any way, shape or form. Mind reading into that mind is a trip to he!!...Which got me thinking...The Devil LIES.

Smokey is the perfect instrument of evil in relation to me. I still allow him to spin in my head and slow me down.

I really do believe in Good/Evil, Positive/Negative...and, I can see how Smokey is really a perfect instrument to suck me back into the negative. Before I knew it...on my birthday...I was back to believing I was unlovable, undeserving, unable to handle all this challenge ahead, deserving of rejection, Smokey is probably happier without me and I don't even take up space in his thoughts...BUT...It's not Smokey that's the evil...it's how I allow his actions to still impact me. It's all that stinkin thinking that [censored] the good outta me.

Reassured myself that I AM LOVABLE, I AM CAPABLE, I CAN HANDLE THIS...If someone doesn't see my value or isn't able to express my value or support me...That's on THEM. They just aren't able to look deeply enough.

For the first time, maybe ever, I'm able to take the bad feelings and renew/reverse the spin into something good. I am righting myself when I topple over...even in the face of the negative around me.