I've spent a bit of time over the past few days reading people threads ,the advice given and how to apply to my own sitch, I have reared the advice given to me on my own threads, and it all has been amazing.
it's true, this is definitely a roller coaster ride, one minute I think I can do this, I can survive it all, h and I will come through this better than we ever were, and then the next I think this is hopeless, h is seeing someone else, he has chosen someone other than me to be with, why am I fighting?

so there is the million dollar question, why am I fighting this?
I am fighting for my family, I am fighting for our boys, so they have two parents in one home that love them and each other.
I am doing this because, when stripped back, I have love for my h and each day I choose to love him, some days its near on impossible, but I make that choice.
I am doing this because for the first time in my life, I don't want to give up when it gets too hard, and run away, because to me this, us, our family is worth it.

so that's the first part of my ramble, second part is noticing what works, I've noticed on a few threads, the theme is noticing what works, I think I have been so busy trying to do all the techniques listed in the books, that I haven't really focused on anything in particular.

so I sat down with pen and paper and had a look at what works and what doesn't.
vulnerability seems to be a trigger for h, not neediness, or clinginess(did that, major part I believe in why we got to this point in the first place)
I feel h needs to be needed, the proverbial knight in shining armour.
eg: last night at certain point I would be quiet, nothing wrong, just taking it all in, subdued, h would include me more in what was going on, rubs on the back, ask if I was ok, leg touches etc.
another eg: h has said this week that I can call him day or night if I ever need him or to help me, he'll do whatever he can to be there( of course me being me had to respond with "i'm sure ow will love me ringing at 11 at night asking for you to come and get me from somewhere")

so that leads into my next observation, h really doesn't 'get' my sense of humour sometimes, I can be dry to the point of sarcasm, and half the time lately he has been looking at me like I've physically wounded him, part of this joky/sarcastic attitude is inherited from my mother, partly as a major protection mechanism on my behalf, If I can get the dig in or the jibe before anyone else, then I win, I don't hurt as much anymore.
but h doesn't like it, I think he thinks it makes me look hard, and he knows that im essentially heart on my sleeve girl.

anger/mood swings/frustration do h's head in, and makes him react in kind(duh!) when I start up, he starts to try an explain, then my sarcastic anger kicks in and retreats, stops talking and distances himself(again duh-who wouldn't)

light/breezy is almost neutral with h, I think he thinks 'ok alls good right now, I can do what I like, and distance myself, spend time with the ow. however, to be honest, consistent light and breezy has been hard for me to do for a while now, so maybe this is a great chance for a consistent 180 for me.

h has almost started to fish for compliments from me, telling me he's lost weight, that he's tidied the house, organised whatever, wanting it seems positive reinforcement from me.

he seems to want to be friendly/more talkative, asking 'how are you'questions when I ring him for the boys to say goodnight, I was trying to db, and keep it as geared towards the boys as possible(and this is at the start of the call before he's spoken to the boys-we always have a brief chat at the end of the call)
but i'm beginning to feel rude because, even though i'm friendly enough, he sounds hurt that I hand the phone to the boys.

theres more i'm sure, but there the things that I think I need to now sit down and work through and come up with a concrete plan.
watch this space...