Hi Heather, I tried to say this in a post that got lost when the board went down but...the thing that I see more than anything about your recent posts is this: they are about YOU and YOUR life. Less and less about the antics from Smokey, how he is doing this or that. You are fully engaged in YOUR life (and of course your girls!). You are your own person, totally separate from the person that turned your life upside down. I see a strong, independent woman who is handling all that life is throwing at her! Your problems are yours, to handle as YOU see fit. You aren't letting your mother, Smokey, dad, anyone dictate how you feel or what you think is best. These are very attractive qualities and I have a feeling that you will have everything that you ever wanted for yourself, your loved ones, the people who you care about and lives you touch. You are on a major roll and you got there through hard work (all the resumes, all the job searches, interviews, all the putting yourself out there willing to stretch who you "thought" you were and find qualities and abilities you never knew you had but were there all along).
You aren't the same person you were when Smokey turned your life upside down. In point of fact you are better, stronger, more resilient. You took the pain and the fear and used it to become a better version of yourself. In the end this is the choice everyone here on this board has. We can let our sitchs tear us down or do what you have done (and are still doing) and use them to temper us, teach us what really matters to US.
Again, Happy Birthday! I think this one is special as I see really good things for you in the coming year. Not "easy" things, for sure, but you can handle them all. You are an inspiration to all of us trying so hard to do just what you are in our own ways!
So, up until today, my dad would send me Smokey's b'day money in addition to my own. Everybody in the family gets a set amount of b'day money and, when Smokey skipped town, I started receiving double.
Dad chose today to stop the double payment. Dammit.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Matt is right, you are an amazing person. You have shown that being dealt a bad hand doesn't stop you. You have persevered through so much and have become so strong and confident. You provide so much support to us here on the board, even when your own problems are weighing on you.
I'm very happy God gave you such a wonderful birthday present today! Enjoy your weekend with your d12!
Happy birthday and congrats on the job, you deserve it!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Everyone, you guys are awesome!! Thanks for the Atta Boys! and the Encouragement and the Happy Birthdays!!! It means so much to me.
My dad called and had this huge news...it gets really cold in Watertown! Thanks dad. I hadn't looked into that!! It was nice to talk to him though. He's quietly checking out the company I will be working for...sounds like he has been happily doing some dad stuff and checking into the weather, company, transportation issues...mentioned I may need a new car...duh. I'm thinking his garage full of sportscars will remain unchanged though. I can't believe he chose NOW to remove Smokey's money from the equation. I was really counting on that money...
Funny though...when shid like this happens...I begin, now, to think of solutions as opposed to dwelling on the shid aspects. Starting looking around at the stuff left to sell and how much I could make.
I cleaned an area of the garage yesterday and designated it for stuff we are definitely taking. The pile of sale stuff continues to grow.
No b'day wish from Smokey yesterday. Stung a bit. First time. I kept waiting for it and hated that he was on my mind so much. At the end of the night, I was feeling low and talked myself outta it by looking at the facts...Pretty unrealistic to look to this damaged person to comfort me in any way, shape or form. Mind reading into that mind is a trip to he!!...Which got me thinking...The Devil LIES.
Smokey is the perfect instrument of evil in relation to me. I still allow him to spin in my head and slow me down.
I really do believe in Good/Evil, Positive/Negative...and, I can see how Smokey is really a perfect instrument to suck me back into the negative. Before I knew it...on my birthday...I was back to believing I was unlovable, undeserving, unable to handle all this challenge ahead, deserving of rejection, Smokey is probably happier without me and I don't even take up space in his thoughts...BUT...It's not Smokey that's the evil...it's how I allow his actions to still impact me. It's all that stinkin thinking that [censored] the good outta me.
Reassured myself that I AM LOVABLE, I AM CAPABLE, I CAN HANDLE THIS...If someone doesn't see my value or isn't able to express my value or support me...That's on THEM. They just aren't able to look deeply enough.
For the first time, maybe ever, I'm able to take the bad feelings and renew/reverse the spin into something good. I am righting myself when I topple over...even in the face of the negative around me.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ok, I need to jot down what I've accomplished so far, because, right now, I'm just feeling like I'm making a bigger mess than before...The house is turned upside down...because we are moving in less than 30 days.
-Cleaned out/Swept 3 corners of the garage...discovered 3-5 mice??? Nests...gross. But, the garage is relatively mice free and stuff is cleaned out.
-Designated an area for Smokey's stuff in the garage. It's felt really good to put things in his pile. Things that I feel I need to let go...the marriage license, pictures of us at an amusement park 20+ years ago, a grizzly bear ceramic I gave him for his b'day one year, etc...
-Have amassed two really big piles of garage sale stuff...plus a cupboard full of homeschool materials that I'm willing to sell. Could advertise these on the homeschool forums where I used to advertise tutoring. Would probably get a good response for the material.
-Contacted two guys about some tools/pond stuff I don't need. Offered up the bubbler I bought last year in another attempt to put a debt right with friends who helped me out. I haven't received a response yet, but it feels good to make the offer. Feels like I can check that debt off the list.
-Cleaned out the small toolbox I intend to take with me and added some tools.
-Sorted through Halloween stuff and condensed things into two Rubbermaid buckets with D12.
-Cleaned the baby cradle that my Great-Grandpa made when I was born and got it ready to give to my brother and his wife (they are expecting!)...also put the family/antique blocks with the cradle.
-Started a large garbage pile.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
D12's Birthday. No card yesterday from Smokey. She received a text today.
She is struggling with this move and the anarchy of our lives right now. I can't fix it for her and it kills me. I just have to believe that we are going to something better than what we are leaving.
Ordered her a large pizza and rootbeer. We have no Jeep because D20 is still visiting girlfriends. We've enjoyed the peace and quiet though. Feel badly I can't give D12 a rockin b'day...but, I did take her to the concert.
I've been so tangled in the past here. Surrounded. As I sort through stuff, I see how entangled I've been. He was able to walk away and start fresh. I've been weighed down by memory after memory.
I feel some anger about that today...that he was the one who was able to just walk away.
Still, listened to a really good sermon about men in midlife and it brought some forgiveness and peace this morning.
What if I can't do this job? What if I'm working all the time and D12 needs me and I can't be there for her AND the job? What if???
Last edited by LoisB; 08/31/1407:00 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Take some photos of the stuff you want to sell and put in on Craig's List, as well as other mediums. I noticed that we have a number of people selling college books on there. You can do this with a lot of your stuff and it won't cost you a penny to post the items. A yard sale is in order too...do it as soon as possible.
I'm sorry your h didn't send a card to your daughter. It's just not right. I'm sure she's struggling with the idea of the move because this is the only home that she's ever known. Once she gets settled in a new place, she will be okay. It takes time and right now, everything is a jumbled mess for her, as well as for you.
My main concern for you is that you've been your own "boss" for many years as a homeschool teacher and can set your own hours and if you didn't feel like doing something that day, you can postpone it. In the world of business, you are going to find that your wings may be clipped just a little bit and not have as much freedom as you once had. But, I do think you will do just fine once the dust settles and you get into a routine.
The what ifs are going to drive you crazy. You need to put them aside because you've been on your own for a long time and everything will fall into place once you get there. What's the word on a place to live? That would be my concern right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
