6 Months Down the Line

[vossy]

Okay, you got me. All of you. I'll do it

You're right, that's a risk but you're worth that risk. Right now you're a crutch and that's all. You deserve more than that. SO MUCH MORE!

I appreciate your cheerleading, I really do, and I believe you. I am worth it. Unfortunately, I'm not willing to accept 100% of this risk. I won't be able to let it end right here.. but I am going to go NC until this bday and see what happens. Why not, right? What have I got to lose?

During this NC period (are you committing?) perhaps you can formulate an email in your head that is brief and direct that basically says, "it's been real and it's been fun but I'm looking for love and I deserve that".

I don't think I could send an email like that.

I told myself I wasn't going to contact him or reply for X number of days or until X date and then I did it. No matter what he said or did I just didn't reply. I told myself, hey, I have a busy fun life and I don't have time to respond. But if I want I can respond later, after X date.

We do have a lot in common, LisaB. I'll be watching your thread with an eagle eye! Unfortunately, I feel like my H is a bit of a mope, and will probably be like "Well, I made my bed, I guess she doesn't want to talk to me ever again." I don't see it bothering him in a positive way.

In fact, he once said as much. Back in March (or so) I said "What would happen if I said I can't do this chatty thing anymore and said we can never talk again?" and he said "Well, I would be upset but I guess I would understand that it was my actions that forced that."

Who knows what I am supposed to make of that.

However, here is an idea. He would expect you to say happy birthday, right? So why not throw a wrench in his expectations and NOT send him anything. He may wonder why you don't seem to care. Have you moved on and forgotten HE exists?

I definitely don't think I could just not email, as much as I would like to, I would feel too much guilt. Especially since (a) we had a big fight back in 2006 when he basically ignored my bday and (b) he did make an effort this year to email me on my bday.

But what I *could* do is wait until the last minute on his bday (i.e. 11.50pm) to send the email. In his bday email to me, he made it clear he wanted me to have it when I woke up that day..

That's probably the best I could do!

I know it feels like if you don't reply to him and go NC that you will never speak to him again. But how is that possible? You can always contact him in the future, any time you want!

This is so true and so obvious, yet I didn't think of it! Thank you! This is probably the only way I'll be able to get through NC.

Why build his bday up in your mind today and spend the next 8 weeks dwelling on it? Not a good recipe for detaching.

Don't worry, I'm not someone who spends a lot of time dwelling. If this is my plan, I'll put it in action and that'll be that. I'll just get back to working on other things and probably, happily, not think much about it until the bday.

Even the hardest heart will have memories of their own wedding when attending one. He may even get mushy/emotional and reach out.

We weren't married. We probably would have been, but I didn't want to. Not because of anything to do with him, but I just don't care about marriage.. we always said we were "as good as" married though. Apparently not Ha.

I wish I could explain what I am trying to say a little better.

I got you.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with confidence.

Eek!

The reality is that you can rebuild your r. Doesn't mean it can't happen. You can always have hope. That's perfectly fine. However, just from my perspective, you appear to be holding on a bit tightly. Occasionally, things happen and there doesn't appear to be a legitimate explanation. Sometimes those answers come with time.

You are right that what I am struggling most with is answers, etc. In terms of the day to day, I don't need him. I haven't cried (about him) since May. I don't need him to change a lightbulb etc. I'm quite okay alone. But, I am a very logical person, so it is hard for me to not be able to put 1 and 1 together and get 2. Sometimes I think it would be easier if there was a PA (and I mean no offence to the people who have had to deal with PAs) because at least then I would understand it all.

I don't struggle with him not being here as much as it seems. In fact, I feel very happy, in many ways. My life is the best it's been in a long time.. I am really enjoying it. It just makes me sad because this is the exact life "we" talked about for years.. and here I am enjoying it.. and he doesn't want to be a part of it. Meanwhile, the life we talked about leaving behind? He's still living it. That makes me sad for him.. he's struggling and doesn't realise it.

Absolutely, I see with clear eyes that NC is the right move for right now.. I know I can make it to his bday. Beyond that, I'll figure it out when the time comes.

I really appreciate you all for chiming in, though. It's helpful to get feedback from people who have lived it. My parents try hard, but my mum talks from the perspective of a one-time WAS and my dad doesn't talk at ALL, despite the fact he was a one-time LBS and could really help me