1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 5

[Starsky309]

I for one don't think you're being unfair in wanting more from him at this point, mdu. "Light and breezy" only gets you so far; at SOME point he's going to need to step up and put his big-boy britches on.

Only you can know when you're truly at that point, but sometimes I think we're babying him a bit here, to be honest.

Does that make me a pessimist? Or a realist?

I do think he's made some progress here, but your own temperament and needs DO need to be factored in. I've seen some rare people do the "standing" thing for 1, 2, 3 years even longer. You just don't strike me as a good candidate for that.

And that's ok.


Starsky

[Train]

I'm probably not the optimist called for here, but I'll give my .02 :

DB is about doing what works. "Light and breezy" continues to "work" to start re-attracting Mr. mdu. But at least from where I sit, it seems every time he draws closer, a decision is made to hurry things along. And that adds pressure to him. He backs off. And mdu, you feel sucker-punched and have to start back near Square One with your PMA and GAL. (Fwiw, I don't doubt at all that ADs may make GAL more difficult for a while; from what I understand, they do cause fatigue in a lot of cases.)

I don't know that I'd agree that we are babying H here. But I *do* think MWD says "do what works," "monitor results," and if one thing is working - and something else isn't - do the thing that works.

To be honest, I don't think "light and breezy" is at fault here. Because that's what's working. It hasn't brought H to some immediate realization that he wants back in the M, but it has drawn him closer. Then comes the pressure. And THAT, IMO, is not working. I don't think "light and breezy" has been executed consistently over a nice duration of time to know how H may eventually respond.

But I think every time it starts working and then you pull on that line prematurely, he's going to start catching on a little more that the "new mdu" is just temporary. It's pretend. And the pressure is coming. My *fear* (though some may argue that anything that comes from a place of fear should be ignored) is that if this continues to be the cycle, H will finally just stop nibbling.

Consistency is key; "changes he can believe in." I haven't seen it yet from this side of the computer screen. Which means I'm sure H hasn't seen it either.

Sorry to be such a crappy mean poopy head, mdu.

[mdu]

I agree that my lack of consistency is my reactions to him is a factor. But I also think that a huge factor (I think bigger) is OW now in his face at the office. And I just don't see how we're going to overcome that. I had hoped that her close presence would somehow make it all more 'real' and maybe make him feel pressure and kill some feelings but apparently that's not the case. I am really disheartened and don't know how we will ever deal with this except for H leaving the company which he won't do. I suppose I could force his hand and perhaps he would agree to find another job but that would take time regardless (quitting without something else in place just seems foolish) and I suspect he would resent the heck out of it.

I would feel better if we were at least going to MC or Retrouvaille or something to actually be working on the M. At least that would feel like some sort of real progress to me and then maybe we could talk more frankly about this work situation.

I get the sense that he's waiting for feelings which just aren't going to come consistently any time soon, esp with OW in his face (I suspect they come sparatically when he warms to me). I am frustrated because I believe he just needs to commit, regardless of how he *feels* right now.

I hate this mess. Yes, we had some serious M issues but OW makes it impossible.

[Wonka]

MDU,

You're spinning big time. What did I say about taking a breather to re-gain your center? Focus on this for ONE week, baby.

And yes the impossible has happened! I've seen sitches where the OW is in H's company/offices and the posters have DB'd the affair all because they re-attracted their spouses.

Ye of so little faith...

I have EVERY faith in you, MDU.

Why don't you take a break from the boards from tonight until after Labor Day? I double-dare you!!

[Train]

You're giving OW wayyyyy too much power, mdu - far more than she deserves ... and clearly far more than H is giving her since he's still warming to YOU.

I agree with Wonka: you're spinning.

Reach down deep and find you again. We know you're in there.

[Barrybran]

Train hit the nail on the head. You're drawing him in with light and breezy and pushing him away with outbursts when he doesn't respond according to your timetable. My wife hugged me for the first time in seven months yesterday. Seven months! I'm not going to push her though because I know where that will land me and I've made far too much progress on myself. She'll come closer when she's ready.

Your husband is the same. He's approaching you with caution and backing off when you bite him. To say that he doesn't want to lose you is huge. Yes, it's lip service and there will be a time for action on his end. He needs to feel confident that you won't have an outburst whenever something doesn't go your way first. In the meantime, you need to get yourself to a point where you're comfortable and strong whether he's there or not, whether something good or bad happens.

[mdu]

Thanks everyone.

You are right, I have really lost my way. Regardless of what I decide in terms of how to proceed with H I really need to get myself in a better place again before I do anything. More sleep is definitely in order...even if medication is required to make it happen. And exercise and healthy food.

I am going to take your dare, Wonka, and stay off the boards until after labor day! And when I get back on I'm going to report all sorts GAL and PMA I have been wallowing (and spinning), enough is enough.

[Wonka]

[Train]

Attagirl, mdu.

[Starsky309]

Hugs are very different. Hugs are based on FEELINGS, which can take MONTHS to return. Patience is called for.

Marital commitment is a DECISION. mdu is right to insist that her husband -- having expressed WORDS that he wants to make it work -- show ACTIONS that show commitment to begin working on the marriage.

I will admit that such insistence could also drive him away, if he's not ready for such a commitment. For me, I was okay with that. My wife's feelings took several months to begin to come back, and nearly TWO YEARS to fully return. However, she did several other things to show her COMMITMENT to the marriage. A Retrovaille weekend. MCing with me. Full transparency. A no-contact letter to her OM. She probably didn't FEEL like doing ANY of those things. But they were boundaries for me, she understood that clearly, and -- to her credit -- she stepped up to the plate.

I think if mdu raised the bar, mr. mdu would respond positively.

Just my opinion.

Starsky