First post - My WAH story

[Elsa]

I understand why you want to send the email. I also understand why you want the content of the email to reflect your truth.

While not quite the same, I had a similar issue with how my H wanted to tell our D7 about the S -- specifically, he wanted to tell her that we had decided on the S together. I objected, not because I thought she needed to know that H initiated the separation, but because I didn't want her to be comforted with information that was not true. In the end, we compromised with, "It's no one's fault."

Obviously, what you would say to other adults is different from what you would say to a child. But, if these are mutual friends, and you are sincere in your request that they not choose sides, I don't know that I would want to say in the email that H is the one who initiated the D. That seems like the kind of personal detail that you're trying to avoid by taking out the reference to MC, you know?

Ultimately, regardless of what's said in this joint email, you're going to tell your friends your truth and he's going to tell them his. I'd use neutral language in the email and then share what I wanted to share with people individually.

[Jacket]

I see why. But I see you as trying to justify something you really don't want to do. I mean if your best reason is to keep y'all's Facebook world happy then you really don't have a strong argument for. If they are your close friends then call them.

Not trying to be harsh but trying to help you see this simply does not need to be done. At least not today.

Thanks, Pilot. You're not being harsh. I actually do want to let people know. There are some people who are as much his friends as they are mine who need to know, so who calls them, him or me? The nice thing about an email is then we're both letting them know at the same time. I'm not actually objecting to sending one out. I'm objecting to the content of the one he wrote because it feels so far from how I actually feel.

[Georgiabelle]

Why do you have to change your FB status? Is that really pressing? I'm not trying to be a smarty. Just asking.

[Jacket]

I objected, not because I thought she needed to know that H initiated the separation, but because I didn't want her to be comforted with information that was not true. In the end, we compromised with, "It's no one's fault."

Elsa, thank you for this. You articulated what I have not been able to put into words. I don't want people to be given information that is not true, because I do not want people to feel like they should be pushing us to divorce as if it is what we both want. That is how H's email comes across and what I disagree with so strongly.

But, if these are mutual friends, and you are sincere in your request that they not choose sides, I don't know that I would want to say in the email that H is the one who initiated the D. That seems like the kind of personal detail that you're trying to avoid by taking out the reference to MC, you know?

Ultimately, regardless of what's said in this joint email, you're going to tell your friends your truth and he's going to tell them his. I'd use neutral language in the email and then share what I wanted to share with people individually.

Thank you for this as well. I realize that I am still really angry about the whole thing and I still want him to shoulder the blame for walking away, but I need to let that go and ultimately it does not need to be stated in this email. And you're right, our truths will each come out when we talk to people, assuming they reach out to us. I don't think I will pursue our mutual friends to tell them about the whole thing unless they ask. I've already told all the people who are the most important to me and they are supporting me the way I need to be supported.

[Jacket]

Why do you have to change your FB status? Is that really pressing? I'm not trying to be a smarty. Just asking.

I don't have any pressing need to change it. But I can tell H does because he said via text that emailing people jointly would be "more respectful than just changing the status on Facebook." I took this to mean that he's been wanting to change his status but hasn't yet because some of our friends still don't know.

[Georgiabelle]

Jacket,

Thanks for your insight. I have t read your entire sitch so I'm just chiming in. I find it interesting that ANYONE thinks changing their R status is urgent. It's feels incredibly narcissistic and attention seeking. And I can say this with experience as my stbxh has chronicled everything on Twitter.

I would let your h take the lead on this. I do understand the mutual friend issue-I do. I also understand the promise of sending it back in April. However, your h made promises too and you were probably in a confused state back then. Sometimes we have to do what's best for ourselves as well. I wouldn't spend much more time on this as it's being made into a bigger issue than what's at the core.

Take care of yourself. You will let go of the anger in your own time. Feel the emotions, work through them and focus you.

[Jacket]

I wouldn't spend much more time on this as it's being made into a bigger issue than what's at the core.

This is so true. I feel like I've been spending way too much of my emotions and actual time on this thing. I've gotten virtually nothing done this morning at work.

I am trying to take care of myself. I am actually overbooked this weekend. I've been invited to a BBQ, to go boating, and on a trip to Tahoe. I'm trying to prioritize and fit as much in as possible. I hope everyone here also has fun plans! What are you all doing for the long weekend?

[Roberta]

At this point I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach.
Please call to schedule an appointment today.
303-444-7004

[Jacket]

Roberta, I've already had 6 sessions with Denise and have already paid for another 6.

[Roberta]

I am so glad that you are speaking to a coach for support during this incredibly difficult time. Thank you for letting me know.