Hey....I see that one of my last posts here isn't here now...So, I guess I'll try to sum up.
After weeks of not talking about OW, it came up last week. He had texted me while I was at IC, and I didn't respond, so he wanted to know where I was. I told him....And he was surprised to hear that I was still IN IC since I'd been "so good" in the last couple of months. (Detached, acting as if....)
Ok...well...
He wanted to know what IC and I talked about, and I said lots of things. He felt bad that he was responsible for the fact that I even needed IC.
At any rate--we got to talking about OW, and their "friendship" and it seems like she's very much in the picture still, which isn't a surprise since they work together. He thinks they will always be friends. I said I didn't see how I will ever approve that. I let him know that I think he's a liar, and that made him angry. He feels like he had been honest with me until he saw how much he was hurting me...since then, he hasn't LIED...he's always been honest if I asked (well..almost always), but he has taken to more secretive behavior to protect me.
Apparently OWs husband knows about the relationship and is okay with it. The mind boggles. H doesn't understand this either.
He asked me what I want. I said I want a reset. I want a monogamous marriage with honesty and trust. He thinks we can have that. I told him I want a life without OW in it at all. He thinks that is impossible.
He doesn't think he's having a MLC. He thinks I am. He might be right.
Then I told him that D15 knows about OW. He flipped out. How did she find out (she found a book about infidelity in my drawer and asked me directly), why didn't I lie, why didn't I tell him right away....
He almost didn't come home that night. He didn't want to talk to me. He did talk to D15. He told her that he'd never lied to me. He told her he's not having a MLC.
Later, he and I talked again. He cried, saying that he would dump OW for D15, but not for me. D15 deserves to believe that her dad is faithful to her mom. He wasn't going to dump OW for me though - it was only for D15. He told me that for years he had felt suffocated. That he had hoped I would die in a car crash. He doesn't feel suffocated anymore.
Later that night, my parents told me that they wished they'd gotten rid of me earlier in life (they sent me to boarding school) because I talk so much in the morning.
Yeah - it was a pretty awesome day for me.
Anyway - the next day we went to a wedding. He held my hand during the service. I honestly feel so detached that it doesn't feel romantic to me...I have no idea WHY he's doing it, but he is. This week he's texted me every day from work. He's thinking of me, he loves me, he wants me to know blah blah blah....It doesn't feel real. It sounds like a 14 year old boy talking, honestly.
So - am I in MLC? Maybe. Certainly transition. I'm changing. I need to work on my trust issues with the people that I love and setting boundaries with them. (This is almost hilarious, because I'm good with people at work and with my kids, but not my parents or H. Fan-flipping-tastic. This should be fun to work on right now.)
In the meantime, H just invited me to London for a week in December. Do I want to go? Yes - yes, I do. (I lived there as a college student, and I'd love to see it during the holidays!) I'm wondering if I should, however....Ah - it's complicated.
It's always complicated.
In the meantime, kids are getting ready to go back to school. D and I have talked after her conversation with her dad, and she's mad. She gets why I'm hanging in there, though--kind of. I told her - we're friends. I love your dad. She knows. Cold comfort. H wants to write her a letter. He wakes up in the morning and says, "I feel like D is looking at me funny these days. I want to write her a letter to tell her how I feel." Oh boy. I don't even want to think about that pandora's box.
I'm thinking about signing up for a voiceover class and taking some knitting classes. And my consulting job is pretty busy right now...so that's good. Maybe I'll take the German Shepherd to some nose work classes or Schutzhund classes. Now that summer is over it's really time to start GAL.
Oh, and I'm going away for the weekend by myself in a couple of weeks to run a marathon. So, that's coming up. Woo!
