On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

My waw made another journal entry yesterday. She is trying to "give up hope for her AP" and get him out of her mind. She is "grieving the loss" and is dealing with depression. (I had a foolish notion that she might have been depressed about our M and family) She also says that her gut instincts are to pull away from me and she has no desire to kiss. She said that she wishes her feelings were different but they are what they are.

She did write that if I were to close the door to reconciliation and / or meet someone new that she would be devastated and it would be almost guaranteed that she would want me back. But then followed it with: "Should I move on before he does or should I continue to wait it out?"

Yesterday she texted me and suggested that we pull a last minute trip to Chicago for the weekend. She has been saying that she thinks that maybe dating like we had just met and staying away from serious talks for a while might help her to find her feelings for me again. I don't think I should go. I think that it is time to show her that I will not be here forever while she tries to find her answer. If she is not willing to commit to the M then she needs to feel the consequences of her choice. My situation is very similar to Shodan's. I have been trying to be the kind, gentle husband and do my best to make positive memories when we are together. When I am gone I am very quiet and try not to pursue her at all. But this does not seem to be working. Probably because she is still pining for the OM.

A big part of me wishes that I could just turn off all of my feelings for her. I wish that I could just protect myself, my kids and move on with my life. Some things that are really bothering me: Her AP ended the affair. She would have chosen him over me and I believe that this is still the case. She brought him into our home, full of family memories and pictures. (This shows how little she thinks of me and our life together). Her journal entries show no remorse for the pain she has caused me and our family. Her feelings for me are gone at the moment, possibly forever.

I feel as though it is time for me to follow Starsky's original advice and implement the ALRT. Starsky, if you have a second I would love to hear your thoughts on my sitch..

Thanks.