In terms of #1, I know what would happen on my end. I'd probably make it as far as his bday (about eight weeks away) and then I would email a bday message. In the meantime, I'd probably have momentary bouts of madness/sadness but I'd be okay. I am starting an exciting new freelance career (about to be published in my first magazine on Monday) and I'm diving headfirst into that. That aside, right now I am focusing on just staying afloat financially and enjoying my independence after years of living with various parents. I try to set myself one "task" each day to get out and about. E.g. Today I got a pedicure, some days I go for a walk on the beach, etc.
Truthfully, my main issue with going NC is that I feel.. rude
In terms of #2, that's just not an option for me right now. I'm not ready.. and that has very little to do with my ex, and everything to do with me. Of course in some ways I still have hope for our R, but I'm not "waiting" for him to figure things out. Instead, I'm just trying to figure out my own life. I've spent the past ten years travelling.. I've lived in four different countries, other than my own. I've never had my own place or furniture like I do now. I've never known what I want from a career like I do now. I'm excited about just "doing me" for a while.
At some point in the future, I hope someone comes along, but I have always been very independent and I know I lost that for a good while there. I'm really enjoying finding that side of me again.. When my ex and I first got together, I was young and innocent. Then in the space of a year (2004-5), three really terrifying things happened to me, and I grew so fearful of life after that. It is certainly one of the reasons that my ex left me.
What I REALLY want right now is to get "me" back. I don't want you be young and naive again, but I DO want to be independent again. I travelled the world when I was 20 all alone.. I want to be THAT version of me again.
As for my ex.. some days I really don't know if I want him back. I know that I won't go backwards into the R we had, so if he ever does come knocking, he'd have to be a very different version of himself. He'd have to have a pretty deep understanding of what he has done wrong, and I think he's a long way off from that.
