I understand what you are saying, but I have had control issues in the past. I feel like if I ask her to have no contact, she will perceive it as me trying to control her.
This girl needs a husband who will be man enough to lead his family with some honor and loyalty. If you, the head of the home, cannot set an example of what a faithful and dignified spouse is suppose to looks like.....then not only does the marriage not stand a chance, but the entire family may crumble. Does that make you feel a little pressure? I hope it does!
Both of you have been down this road more than once. Have you learned anything yet? I would like to suggest you stop repeating bad decisions/choices. Both of you need to grow up, but especially you! You said she was a bad mother and you didn't want her getting custody.....and your answer was to sleep with her friend? What kind of parent does that make you?
You need to get your act together and start thinking about what kind of role model you are being for your kids, regardless of your wife's decisions.
You both need help, but since she's not here....you are getting the information. She's in la-la land.
You need a plan that will keep you on the DB straight & narrow path, so to speak. Have you finished reading Divorce Remedy, yet? Get it done. Start making notes about what you (as the husband, daddy, and man) needs to do to improve. Set goals for yourself that is not about her. Learn what true personal boundaries are all about. Learn about real detaching (b/c you don't understand it).
If your W is ever going to respect you as a man.....she has to know it is not okay to date while she's married to you b/c you won't stay in an open M. That is an example of a boundary. It is not to control her but to protect yourself and the welfare of your family. How attractive do think it makes a man to say what you quoted above? She may still feel some physical attraction toward you b/c you are young and in good shape. When you lose your youth and health......then what's left? You have to give her more than physical attraction. Each of you will need to be attracted to what's inside of you. What defines you as a man. Your values, morals, character traits, and belief system will shape and mold your relationship. You two have gotten through difficult situations in the past, but if you don't have the right tools and learn how to nurture the MR, then things will not continue to hold together under these types of issues. Life is hard enough without adding extra into the pile.
The two of you can grow together and make good, loving memories down through the years....instead of trying to forget your shame. But you need to start remodeling that foundation now. You can determine to be the responsible man your family needs. Focus on your issues and your changes. Challenge yourself to be a great father and husband. You can turn yourself onto the man you respect......and others will too. She can't respect you if have don't even have respect for yourself.
This board can help you. They can give you support during the hard times and cheer on you when there has been progress.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
