Oh no, unfortunately I yelled a few times Barrybran
I'm still really frustrated by the whole thing and honestly not sure what to do about the kids. I could use some advice/opinions.
I asked for an in house separation because I am concerned about the continued back and forth with the new school year. D4 starts K and as any parent knows that's a big transition. H is staying at FILs which is where the kids visit with him about 40% of the time. It's in another town and doesn't have a bed for each of them. H and S7 end up sleeping together. I was ok with this arrangement temporarily --- and thru the summer --- but now that it's apparently going to drag on for a while and school is starting I don't feel very good about it at all. In addition to D4 starting K, I'm worried about S7 who has always struggled in school. He has been coming home from visits with H tired, I assume due to the sleeping arrangement. Also, they will have less time in the evenings to do HW and unwind since H gets out of work later and has to travel further to get to FILs house. This is also a potential big issue for S7 because he takes FORVER to do his HW and reading.
What should I do?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Why don't you ask H what is thoughts are about the kids issue, calmly? I think if you look deep inside you would likely have to admit that your frustration is not really with this scheduling issue but the whole scenario and that the kids schedule, while not ideal, is a proxy for pushing for reconciliation or living together again. No fault in that. It's probably better if everyone were under the same roof but that's not the case now. Tomorrow things maybe different but they are not different today. So what is the best that can be done for your children as things stand today? Ask yourself what that is and do that. This is the point where you really have to give up trying to control H and the situation. It hasn't worked thus far. Let it go. Things will not be perfect right now and you can't really know that spending time with H at your FIL's during the school year would be the worst thing for your children. You really can't.
Probably the best thing is if S7 at least had a bed. And H could try to get out of work early enough so they can get home at a decent hour when he has them
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
What you think about how things are 'supposed to be' at FIL's house is just that....trying to control things at the other house. As long as the kids are safe, fed, bathed, and dressed...that is all you can really count on.
What the kids do at their Dad's place is his to own.
Focus on what you can do at your house. You can provide the structure, routine and ensure that the kids do their homework, etc when they are at your house.
You might want to talk with the school counselor at S7 school about his tiredness. Get him/her involved and ask for ideas on how to work with this issue for S7.
Generally I agree with u Wonka. But fact is around here --- and I did confirm with a lawyer & social worker ---- H's current arrangement would not fly in court if I were to challenge it. Kids are expected to at a minimum have a bed at the OPs house as well as a bit of their own space. H should seriously accommodate these basic conditions if he wants to continue the present arrangement.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
You would want to approach this with sensitivity, MDU. H would not want to feel that you are critical or criticizing his parenting skills. Which is why I suggested that you talk with his school counselor to get some ideas and it would help you in that he cannot really target you.
Then after you speak with the school counselor, ask him/her to call H for a family meeting at the office. This way, it will be on neutral ground and you two will be able to discuss ways to support S7 and D4.
I am sure Starsky, Train, and others who are parents will chime in with ideas and suggestions.
One final thing...be sure to drink STFU juice if or when you do meet at the school counselor's office about H moving back home as the solution to S7's sleep issues (and other school-related matters).
Spoke to H & he agreed to give S7 his own bed to see if that helps with sleep. Then we both started bawling over the whole sitch.
Not a light nor breeze in sight.
I had to get off the phone, I was too upset.
Then we texted a bit. He texted he did not want to lose me. I asked him how we can fix this. He texted I am not sure exactly.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I agree with Wonka (how can I not?!)! Slow and steady.
I'm desperate to hear the words "I don't want to lose you". Relish in those words. Cry all you need to. You are facing a lot but Wonka's suggestions are awesome. Breathe and stay on your path.
