I understand what you are saying, but I have had control issues in the past. I feel like if I ask her to have no contact, she will perceive it as me trying to control her. It is one of the things that I am working on. I told her that it hurts that she is seeing someone. She says that he is jut a friend that she talks to and hangs out with sometimes because he is going through a similar situation. She says she is not romantically involved with anyone because she is not ready to have any relationship that is more than friends, including me, but her emotional state last night made me think differently.
I don't know, I am more confused now than ever.
Because you are leading with your feelings, instead of on a plan.
You stating that "I cannot live in a marriage where my wife is in contact with other men" is perfectly reasonable boundary. It is not controlling at all. You are saying "You may do whatever you please, if you don't want to be married to me, but this is what *I* need in a marriage. If you can't do that, I understand -- just let me know."
Actually, HER telling YOU that you must accept her continued contact with men is controlling.
What I see above is her jerking you around, emotionally, because she knows she can get to you and keep her as her "Plan B." It's hoop-jumping. I have no problems with a couple who have had previous marriage problems "hoop-jumping" if they are legitimate marital complaints that need to be addressed, and so long as BOTH partners are jumping at the real hoops. But her saying "Keep it up, honey -- just keep up your improvements and maybe I will come back and work on the marriage but in the meantime I just like these guys as friends and I'm going to keep on talking to them" . . . THAT is controlling!
