Thanks Heather and LT,
Picked up D14 today and took her to school. She was still upset and I told her that she doesn't HAVE to keep going to this school. I told her that I will do whatever I can to help her whether she stays at this school or wants to move to another school. She said that it was "too late" (I'm sure that is what her mother is telling her). I explained that people move all the time and it's still really early. I am starting to get an idea of what her mother is telling her from her responses! She said "Well it will just be the same at any school" I told her that if she went To X or Y schools, she would at least know some people there and have friends that go there. She said that's true. She also seems to think that if she were to go to a different school she couldn't stay with her mother. Again, I'm sure what her mom has told her is that the other schools are "too far away" and that she wouldn't be "able" to take her which is ridiculous since I will be having to drive her 30 miles when she stays with me! I explained this to her saying that all the other schools are in the same direction as her mothers work and she would just as easily be able to take her as I am able to take her when she's with me. I'm not sure about this yet but from the way my D is acting, my W may be telling her that if she doesn't go to this school she won't be able to stay with her during the week at all. (Not sure of this just yet, it is just something I'm getting from her expressions and responses)

While at the house I noticed a bunch of forms from all my D's teachers about how to contact them and about the class, etc. They were addressed to "parent or guardian". I am her parent! I should be getting all those forms as well! My W should be making sure I get copies and if she won't I will need to contact the school to make sure my D gets two of everything so I can get copies! I took pictures of them while I was there so I can get the info at least.

I noticed that my W had a bunch of photos put up around her house. All of them were her father and his wife or the kids. She had just one picture of her mother, the woman who raised her without her father. Here is the man until very recently didn't give a rat's butt about her and now she is totally obsessed with both him and his wife...the woman who broke up her family! Who was having sex with her father while pretending to be friends with her mother AND her! While I was looking at them I asked my d if there were any pictures of my MIL or her side of family. My D rolled her eyes and said her mom has been going around calling her dad's wife "mom" and telling people that her "mother told her", when D14 asked if she meant my MIL she said "no, not Ne-Ne, "____"(name of dad's wife). My d said "If Ne-Ne knew that she was doing that she would be so upset!".
More indication that my w is trying to "replay" her late teen years, this time with her dad in her life and "caring" about her! Well, that's her chit. Just something that I now understand is the driving force behind her MLC journey. I really believe that very little of what drove my W into her MLC had anything to do with me or her M. She has always felt she missed out on having a father in her life and when her father was diagnosed with cancer and told her that he wanted to "make up" for all the bad he had done her, she felt she had another chance. She wanted it enough to allow him to set the terms (just her, no husband). I think what drove her into her depression was when he first said this it was no husband, no kids. He was smart enough to drop the kids out of the equation when she started her MLC and to her, if she could have her father in her life it was worth losing her M. Not that any of this matters. Knowing why doesn't help, especially when the why is something I have zero control over. It's such a shame that a person as selfish and evil as my FIL is able to get what he wants from his biggest victim...very sad.

I know that as long as my W knows that, when it comes to my D's, I will do whatever I can for them. That she knows she can blow off her responsibilities towards our d's and that I will come to the rescue, she will just keep doing what she has. That is she wants custody but doesn't want the fact that she has her D to stop her from doing what she wants or have any impact on her work. She doesn't want to have to do the work that comes along with having a teenager, to deal with the school when things come up, to take her places, schedule around the things that she needs to do for her (like when she goes into work), to deal with the fact that our D is in pain because of her choices. No, she just thinks D14 should get over it. I feel like I'm allowing her to still have the benefits of having a H to "help" her when she needs it but none of the responsibilities of actually being married! I need to find a way to be there for my D but not enable my W to just not take care of her share of the responsibilities of raising her. This is my dilemma. I do know that if my W's attitude of telling my d14 to just "buck up" and get over it, or minimizing the pain she is in because she doesn't want to deal with the guilt that comes with knowing that she caused much of that pain continues, it is not going to help my D deal with things and could cause her to act out or become depressed or any number of things! I am starting to think that my D may be helped by some IC. This morning as I was taking her to school she complained about feeling "sick" and not wanting to go. Of course she feels sick, she hates going there and knows she is in for another day of feeling lonely and left out and over-whelmed. Whether she needs IC or not I'm not sure but I am sure the way to handle it isn't telling her to just get over it like my W is doing!

All I can do at this point is be there for my D14 (and my D19 for that matter). To make sure they both know I am here for them and won't just blow off or minimize their feelings. To make sure I stay sane through all the chit I'm going trough from the D to the IRS to my job worries to GALing (which I haven't been doing a good enough job with the last couple weeks!). The reality is that my W has become a teenager with the power to really mess with my D's lives and while that stinks and all, it's what is and I must find a way to deal with it.