I was doing so good

[Spacey]

Oh, I know that wasn't your intent! I don't think it's ever anybody's! But this is one of those things that I think is well meaning but perhaps misguided advice.

I mean, it may have its place when someone utterly refuses to do the work for their own benefit, and will only be motivated by the actions or opinions of their estranged partner, but, let's face it, such an individual is fighting co-dependency, and isn't likely to step back even if their SO thought they were pathetic.

If we're here, we're probably fragile little things (I know I am right now! But then, maybe I'm projecting?). Hearing that the person you love probably considers you pathetic is a real blow. I think the more important message to drive home is that these actions (which the walk-away really probably does think is pathetic) just don't work. That's the best advice that I've seen hammered home by just about everybody on these fora. "Doing X isn't working. Doing Y doesn't work. Try something else."

It's amazingly simple, clear, and effective advice, and it doesn't come with a heavy emotional trigger like the word "pathetic".

[PeterV2]

I know now that I was pathetic, the way I was acting initially. Yes we're fragile, but still we can take a 2x4 now & again . True, let's just do what works and stop doing what doesn't.
It's amazing how resilient we can all be. These are the hardest times of our lives. We're all troopers. Onward!

[dawgy]

Hey all . Dawgy here . I m still hanging on . Wife has been having a PA and EA for 9 months now . lol so much for being one of the lucky ones when the affair burns out inside of six months .Just my luck .
She said something funny to me ( or at least I thought it was funny )about two months ago when i said " weve been together 27 years and I expected alot more loyalty from you " She said " well hes (OM) been waiting for me for 30 years " ( they were junior high sweethearts , touching , isnt it )So she basically said he had more rights to her than me because he was there first . At least thats what seems like shes saying or at least trying to use that for another way to justify her A . One of many reasons shes used to justify . Anyway I thought it was ridiculous when she told me about that . Ive since tried to make the connection between them and what she has told me doesnt seem to be true

[u-turn]

welcome back dawgy-
It really is crazy what they say to justify the A sometimes. I can't make sense out of much these days. Don't try to figure it out.

Look at what mrbond posted on my thread about being the lighthouse. It is helping me.

hang in there!!

[dawgy]

yeah Turn , I printed that tibit off and have read it several times already . It makes a fella feel like time will pass and eventually she will come back . If she does come back i feel optimistic it can work out .
These days shes very messed up . i drove by her work the other night because there was no other route . She said she was working late . Well she was there but so was his truck . So I lost it . I called her and said " Are you f$#king insane having him there ? "
And she replied just relax its only work . So then I said so your not seeing him anymore and she said some work and some "seeing " him. I wanted to smash the windows out of their vehicles and go in a assault him but i took many many deep breaths and drove away . Only to pay the price since . She will barely even speak to me now

[u-turn]

I hate to say it, and I have had a hard time doing it too, but you have to let that go.

Don't look for his truck, find a different route, don't be tempted to check up on her. There is nothing you can do about it. I know that EVERY time I had done something like that, I got hurt. Every time. I don't want to be hurt any more. and she doesn't care if she hurts me or not. So it is up to me and you Dawgy.

[canyou?]

hi Dawgy -- I just wanted to share that I am in the exact circumstance. I was doing pretty well, actually very well, with detaching -- her response was positive. Since this past Sunday, however, she seems to be in a bad place emotionally, very withdrawn, very quiet (but not mean or nasty to me or kids). I am still staying away, but am really getting scared for her watching it. I will be a year into this mess come mid-September; I believe this whole thing started for her about two years prior to that (grandfather's death coupled with a permanent break from a neglectful parent --- oddly, the parent reached out to her for the first time in three years this past Saturday and told her she looked "sick."). I want my wife back more than I can explain, but I no longer really want the old relationship. The changes I've made I love. I am worried that she no longer thinks I care for her, that I only want to be near her, but I know too that I can't tell her how I feel as it will absolutely push her away. I have been through tough times before, but supporting the person I love in this circumstance is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I've spoken to only a few people about this. I've said, "'MLC' might be fiction, sure -- whatever you want to call what my wife is going though is fine. If it is fiction, though, can you find out for me what it is called, and after that find out how to tell my wife I love her?"

[canyou?]

oh, I might be able to help on the anniversary too. I wrote a quick text and said...

"I think about you especially today. I am just fine remembering your laugh and your smile, and the borrowed wedding ring that nearly decapitated my finger. Happy anniversary! I hope your day is a good one."

[dawgy]

I know you are right Turn . But the anger is powerful and is with me in the back of my head all the time .I seem to want revenge for what they have done to me . Also ive been keeping an eye on some bank accounts and I cant account for about 2 k . This irritates me and i dont know how to approach it . Some days I feel forgiving and sad . But lately Ive been feeling more anger and disappointment

[u-turn]

I agree that you have to protect yourself - financially and emotionally.

Revenge - I get it but it will never help and never make you feel better. Keep on the high road man!

I also get angry, sad, paranoid. I have times that I cannot block the thoughts.

When we went to C several months ago (failure). It was determined that I internalized my feelings too much. Now, I have to do just that. internalize my feelings so I can stay strong - or at least seem that way.

Remember - she did not do this to you - I don't believe it is their goal to hurt us. she did/is doing this to herself. It may have nothing to do with you.