So, she is now seeing one guy. My daughter told me and she started crying. I can't lie, it pissed me off. I asked my wife about it and she says he is just a friend who understands her situation. What do I do?
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
So, she is now seeing one guy. My daughter told me and she started crying. I can't lie, it pissed me off. I asked my wife about it and she says he is just a friend who understands her situation. What do I do?
Casey gave you your road map in the 2nd half of this excellent post to you yesterday:
Originally Posted By: Casey
LH,
One thing you have to realize is that a WAW in the fog of an affair is the most selfish creature known to man and everything you think you know about showing love and reconciliation is wrong. A gesture such as wearing a ring will most likely have the effect of enraging a WAW if she even notices it. She will think "doesn't that jerk understand I told him we are done?" Or they will see right through it as just that, a gesture. The only thing that gets their attention, because they are selfish, is when they see you do not want or need them and you are moving on with your life. This makes them want what they cannot have and she will pursue you. Right now she knows she can have you back anytime she wants so it doesn't represent a challenge; your neediness is boring and unattractive. You must act as if you do not need her at all and you are glad to have your freedom and wish the best for her new life too. Then go as dark as you can and use the time and space to GAL. Do not initiate contact at all; make her come to you while being polite and giving the impression you have moved on and you are enjoying yourself. I see you have at least one child with her; find an intermediary to go through for handing off child and child related messages so you are not tempted to backslide; isolate her from your friendship. Your first objective is ending her relationship with OM; you do this by putting yourself off limits to her. Simultaneously you need to work on improving yourself and making yourself into the person any woman would be thrilled to have and your W would be a fool to leave.
So today, I picked up my oldest to take her to Busch Gardens for a daddy/daughter day. On the way there, she started crying about stuff her mom was doing. I got mad and told my wife to stop it. Not going to get into that.
I dropped my daughter off after our outing, we had a great day. My wife wanted to talk. She said that the more and more she is in her counseling the more and more she realizes that divorce is the right thing.
She then said that she started dating other separated guys so she can have an outlet of people to talk to that are going through the same thing because with this, her circle of friends is shrinking. She says that she is checked out and that she does want a divorce. I don't want that, do I just give up?
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
I would love for us to work this out. But she is so disconnected it just seems hopeless. I know that one person can change the relationship, it just does not seem possible.
Yes, I want this marriage, I love this woman.
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Ok, then. Please note that I am not a vet which means I am in a similar situation to yours and therefore NO EXPERT. I can make suggestions but frankly, I'm in a mess myself so I can only tell you what the DB book says but beyond that, wait for a vet to weigh in.
GAL, try to detach (this is so much harder than it seems but it is possible), be a good dad, don't pursue, don't fight, don't fight the D, don't call to "see how she's doing" or text outside of child business. Go make friends, call old friends, take a class, find a favorite happy hour with a buddy, read a GREAT book, start a collection, follow your interests. THIS will help you seem busy, mysterious and like you're moving on... because YOU ARE MOVING ON. Fill your mind with things Un-WIFE. Hard. Yes. Impossible... seemingly so... but not really. Post, pray/meditate, take care of yourself, GAL and don't pursue.
She may express confusion, shock, even interest... just keep on doing what you're doing. It takes time. Lots of time.
Wow. I guess being deployed is the ultimate way of GAL.
Let me thank you for your service and sacrifice for our country.
Hmmm... being gone on deployment... that does present a challenge though perhaps one that can work in your favor. I understand that desire for panic and quick action but these things don't work that way, deployment or not. I've learned that the hard way.
Long day yesterday. She texted me and told me she misses her best friend, which was me. She said that she wants to be friends because we were that before anything else. This threw me through a loop because we were instantly lovers. Well, it was texts like that back and forth and I told her that I missed her, then went and pointed out everything that I missed. I got home from work and called her and she was crying, which caused me to start crying.
I went to our house, and we hugged each other for a long time, we were both tying uncontrollably by now. We calmed down and we went to dinner. At dinner she asked me how I felt when I saw her dating profile, I told her that it hurt more than she could imagine. We sat and talked.
We got back to our house and again, it was hugging, crying and all that stuff. She said that she loves me and misses me. She said that if I do so the work that I need to do to become a better person, a better husband, that she would drop whatever she is doing at the end of our separation and work things out.
She is no longer on the dating websites because she said she did not like the kind of guys she was meeting on them.
What should I do now?
M-32 W-29 3D-12, 10, 8 Bomb Dropped 28 Jul 2014 She started dating 4 Aug 2014
Ask her for no-contact with other men, immediately. You BOTH have to make your improvements to build a more-worthy relationship. The way you recounted the convo, it sounds one-sided to me like she wants to keep you out there as "Plan B" while she makes no commitment to no-contact.
FEELINGS will take months -- sometimes even a year or two -- to fully return. But making the decision to not contact OM and OW and to work on self-improvements is just that -- a DECISION (and a commitment) -- that you both can make to each other.
