JG, I'm so sorry you have that to deal with. It sounds very very unbelievably similar to my xh#1. It was psychological terrorism. I apologize for the thread jack, but I would like to share some of my past. I felt so hopeless and that no one understood the predicament I was in at the time. If I can be of any help, I would be glad to.
I didn't understand then, that by definition I was physically abused, because it was not in a way that showed up. No bruises, no broken bones, no proof. The pushing, hair pulling, using his size to stand in my way and intimidate me, closing doors on me, throwing things (like a ball at the back of your head)..... All of that. There was no help available to me either, in the way of hotlines, police (xh was even friends with most of the local pd and called them on me....). The gas lighting was constant. I felt hopeless and frequently thought I was going crazy.
I started with a pro bono L. She took my case because xh#1 removed me from all of our bank accounts before I filed, and I didn't have any money at all. Xh#1 got a high powered L from downtown... Very expensive. When my pro bono L realized who he retained, and that it would not be an easy case, she dropped me. I became nearly suicidal.
But, thanks to God, my kids and my mother, I kept going. I got a new job. I then found an affordable L who was very caring and decent, but he took a public atty job and had to drop me as well. I ended up getting a good L referred to me by someone with experience in this type of case. I spent a lot of money. It was worth every penny. I borrowed from family, which I didn't want to do. I also talked to her about payments. I paid her off probably 2 years post D.
At first, the judge bought into xh#1 facade of charm. The courts would not issue temp orders at all. The judge said that two intelligent adults should be able to come to a reasonable agreement....yeah. H told mediators that I was crazy and he wanted sole custody. That he would rather hire a full-time nanny than let the kids be around me. <<<<< big no-no in mediation, to tell them the mother shouldn't be in the kids' life at all.....even convicted felons get to see their kids.
Btw, my D went to trial. That's how much of a narc. bully he was. Relentless..
The good news is the truth did come out. No one in court believed him. I decided early on, that I would wear the white hat. I would be honest, and answer to all of my own behavior and reactions to H. It paid off. I got sole custody of my 4 kids.
My world was such a dark cave for a long time. The only two things I told myself to do regarding court, was remain calm, and always tell the truth. You see, when you tell the truth, no matter how bad you may think it makes you look, Its easy to remember what you said, because it just is. Xh#1 lied and thought he could outsmart the system. Time had a way of sorting things out. It always does.
My point is, no matter how long this goes on, and how bad it gets, you can and will be ok. Help is not easy to find, but it is there.
Meet with an atty for a consult. They typically have great resources for referrals to other L that can help your specific sitch. Ask people in D groups. Just talk to people you feel comfortable with, and find a good one. You will need it.
Again, I'm so sorry. It gets better. So, so much better. Keep going. You'll be great.
