help me i am new here

[twinmom]

Remember, you can't "save" her. These are her "mistakes" to make.

[helpjim]

So you say let her fun her fun. Work on myself and when things go bad with oM, open the door to my heart and things will be happy ever after. ?

[twinmom]

Nope, you get to decide if the door to your heart is open or shut. THAT is the only thing you can control. You don't get to control her, you don't get too make decisions for her. You can legally protect your assets (without being vengeful) but otherwise she is an adult and can do whatever she wants.

There were/are many times I wanted to "save" H from making financial mistakes. It took me a long time to learn this. Now H is trying to clean up some off those mistakes. Such as dropping himself off our cell phone family plan and going on OW cell plan with a different company. He now has to buy out of that contract or go on a plan by himself which is more $$$. Oh well, this is his mess to clean up.

[helpjim]

I hope things are healing with you two. I have made many mistakes and w was geting distant and I felt sad and lonely and I had no idea what to do. I wish no knew these techniques last year and went on my own to therapy.

Could have saved my m. Now 90%too late

[MrBond]

Have you ever read the DB or DR books?

You never did explain what issues there were in your M.

[helpjim]

The db book but ordered dr today. Surprised not in kindle format.

Issues were several. My depression for several years and ultimately her single friends and clubbing every Friday Saturday and losing interest and detaching from me.

I have made significant improvements in myself professionally and personally. She refuses any contact through a strategic restraining order that is now standard with divorce filings.

Everyone except the crowd here says "move on" but part of me remembers all the happy memories and I will not shelve them so easily

Plus I know any future relationship will always live in the shadow of my relationship with the wife

[MrBond]

"Issues were several. My depression for several years"

Too vague. Please elaborate. The more detail you can give, the better. Just stick to what YOU did.

"and ultimately her single friends and clubbing every Friday Saturday and losing interest and detaching from me. "

This doesn't count. There was probably a reason. Stick to the things that YOU did wrong in the M and not the consequences. For example, did you NOT want to go out with her? Did you ever? Did you scold her for going out?

[helpjim]

i under earned for several years, putting more stress on my wife. my depression caused me to refuse to even go outside for days.
i would say more and go deeper but this is a public forum. lets say i went through dark times of depression and she was there, ever pleasant.

what did i do wrong in the last two years?
i worked, i earned money, i cooked paid for bills, took her out anywhere she wanted, offered to take her to vacations and she refused
i had big projects moving forward and she squashed them all. my life reduced to a few dozen garbage bags and living in my dads house until we divorce or reconcile

many say why would i even want to if i improve and she stays negative. i feel she has earned the right to be super evil and vent to her friends, others, etc.

i have to earn the ability to even speak to her. but the pain of no contact at all is difficult. at least i dont have to worry about when she will come home. focus on myself and being creative to create businesses.

im not a sneaky OM who spoke to her for two hours a day for two years confirming everything she said. i have no clue if this was platonic or not but it should be accepted as not.

i would always offer to go out with her to clubs or anywhere and she showed no interest

i wanted to scold her but she said not to be like her dad, plus i said it is important to have friends. i think all women will soon become the same "not needing men" and "doing well for themselves"

[twinmom]

Wow! Sorry to be so blunt but I am glad I am not your wife. She is right, you are NOT her father and have no right to scold her! If she didn't want to be around you THAT is her choice. You need to understand you can't control her.

Maybe your depression was more than she could handle, the only thing you can do now is to let go of the past and make yourself a man that she would be interested in now.

The marriage you had is over. It's up to you to prove that you have changed by living your life without her and being the man you want to be long term. Maybe, she will decide to see what that life would be like for her and maybe not. But it's not about getting her frustrations and evil out then coming back to the marriage.

She needs consistent change she can believe in.

[twinmom]

Oh and I don't "need" a man..... I WANT a partner to share my life with, THAT is healthy. Needing someone is not healthy, all women AND men should do well for themselves.