The Waiting One (and tired of it)

[Atsbaby]

So I was trying to think of a new title to my thread and ran across this song. Never heard before tonight, but such a perfect song! So I'm sharing

"The Waiting One"
All That Remains

I am the waiting one it seems
Days grow somber quickly
Now how the quiet is release
And I feel so lonely

How did you think I would feel
Throw me aside again
How did you think I would feel
I won't let you hurt me again now

I'm nothing to you I can see
Just walk away from me
I'm torn up but I can't believe
You sat and watched me bleed

She was the one thing I believed
That I needed to hold me
Still I can smell her hear her breath
Feel her body beside me

How long I've waited, waited for you
To come back to hold me
What should I, what should I,
What should I do
When I feel so lonely

How could you do this to me
Betrayed by my closest friend
How could you do this to me
I won't let you hurt me again now

Link to my previous thread!!
\ Possible MLC WAH, and need guidance

[Atsbaby]

So s10 game was cancelled due to storms

I was actually surprised that H told me he would meet us at home. Usually I don't see him otherwise. Kids played outside for a bit and then left to spend the night at the neighbors and H left shortly after. He was wearing his class ring again! And apparently helping coach the local high school team...whatever!

Tonight I'm going to snuggle with my positive feelings book and learn how to keep them positive!

H, who really needs a name....Clark Kent. I used to tease him when he grew his hair out that he was Superman. He had that little curl on his forehead. Well he's not Superman right now, so Clark will have to do! (Plus he is currently bald, so maybe he should be Lex Luther )

Anyways, Clark is taking the kids out for a bit tomorrow. I was going to hike, but I think with all the storms it may be a bit messy...I've missed too many hikes! I think I might go shopping. I continue to lose weight (by choice) and need to get some more clothes that fit. Talk about developing good PMA!!

I'm determined to come out of this funk! BE POSITIVE, BE POSITIVE, BE POSITIVE

[BklynMom]

Whenever I am in a funk I write down a gratitude list.

How lucky are we to have two healthy kids?!

You are a very blessed person

[Mighty]

I love that you call him Clark now. That's my fave. Although I like Clark Griswald.

Keep up that positivity! It's infectious!!!

[juliegayle]

Hey As

I just had a chance to catch up on your last thread. (A lot of downtime at hospital waiting for s to be moved upstairs for observations)

I am sorry about everything you are dealing with. Yes you have ups and downs and backtracks- it is definitely not an easy journey. U
But reading your thread start to finish I could see you becoming stronger day by day. Noticing when you backtracked and having a plan to move forward. Focusing on daily positives. Having fun and gal with kids. Focusing on you. Finding some humour in this craziness.

Keep moving forward!

[Atsbaby]

Bklyn- I do try the gratitude stuff, I've just not looked at it recently. Thanks for reminding me. And we are both great moms with bright and beautiful children!

Mighty- totally thought of Clark Griswold!! Especially when he dreams of Christy Brinkley

Julie- thank you for the support!

So Clark was late getting the kids, only by 10 minutes, but still late. Then he proceeded with me, me, me...regarding school and hw. Suck it up, it's grad school, can't get away with bs papers dude!

I'm soooo looking forward to my classes starting back up tomorrow. I'll take my sweet time getting home and maybe actually have some me time. Class ends at 8:45, but I could hang in the library for an hour doing homework and what not. Let Clark cook dinner and get kids ready for bed. I'm so tired of doing EVERYTHING!

I had a realization as he was talking to me today, I'm too available to him. I let him gripe and complain about things going on in his everyday life, yet i can't do this back. I love that he is feeling comfortable at times to share with me, because I do want him to come and vent and feel safe, but I need to back off.

I want to be more mysterious! Today I'm going to hang with my mom and her BFF. We're going to see boyhood. I think someone on here commented it was a good movie....fingers crossed

OMG...Clark hasn't been gone 30 minutes and already calling. Update on s cancelled game from last night. This couldn't wait? Breathe...going to GAL!

[Atsbaby]

So Clark texts me while I'm at the movies, which I don't get until after I'm out, "are you coming home before the game or just going straight over?" "Doesn't matter, just asking"

Nosey little fella! So I meet them at the field and Clark is just so short and grumpy with me...DB'ed my @$$ off and remained happy, talking with d9. Not really sure what crawled up where ever, but asked d9 if he was like this all day. She said no, only until after they came home.

Don't want to mind read, only thinking and trying to figure out (Why? I don't know. I have nothing else better to think about...lol!). So is he upset cause I'm not there? He trying to figure out what I'm doing? He mad at himself?

So he remained grumpy and distant during the game, but he chose to sit next to me, again, not sure why. As we were leaving, both the kids began walking with me and in a snotty type voice asked if I was taking both of them. Guess so, since they are walking that direction. Stayed positive and didn't snap...180!

So, shouldn't have but did, I expected him to be following shortly after...duh! Then 30 minutes later calls the house. I'm fuming, because, duh expectations, I think he's calling to tell the kids goodnight.

Surprise! "Just wanted to let you know I was still coming over. Got stopped by one of the coaches. It was an interesting conversation. I'll tell you when I get there." I remained pleasant and told him I figured he'd talk to all his buddies, and that it was ok. Clark had surprise in his voice that I didn't chew him out...another 180!

Then it was me, me, me once he was home. D9 wanted to talk to brother about something and asked politely if she could interrupt Clark to ask. He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes, but actually let her talk! I think he is even making baby steps.

We'll see how tomorrow turns out. I start class and shouldn't have much interaction with him...hopefully out of sight out of mind! Really trying hard to detach and stay positive.

By the way, totally agree with whoever saw Boyhood. It was a good movie.

[Atsbaby]

I'm so not in a good place. Theses boards went down at an oh so bad time.

Monday was good. Class let out way too early, so I went to the library and took some me time. Rereading dr and my positive feelings books. Picked up The Script. Can I just say wow! How accurate is that book!?

I get home a little earlier than I told Clark, so he and the kids are eating fast food and says, I didn't think you'd be home so soon. I didn't get you anything. Do you want me to run out and get you something I can?

WTF?

[Atsbaby]

I'm thinking he's having a change of heart.

I see a attny Tuesday. He tells me since Clark doesn't have permanent residence, he can create an emergency petition for full custody and lock in status quo so the money doesn't move. I tell him I just can't file D and that I'd contact him with information when I receive it.

I hurry home, grab son and head to football. Clark is nice and talkative. I try to remain quiet...distant. We are leaving and I need to pick up d9 at my parents. Clark offers to start dinner while I do this.

WTF?

[Atsbaby]

I get home and see a notice for a CERTIFIED LETTER!

WTF...I knew the second I saw it, but Clark the @$$HAT tried to hide it from me. I can not say anything since we are getting ready to eat dinner.

Once the kids are in bed I say "is this you?" And he says yes.

I backslid so fast!!! He told me he'd give me more time and he went and filed the day after we talked last week!!!

Needless to say the attny is awaiting my scanned document. I'm so pi$$ed and devastated and all those other feelings. I haven't really cried, cried yet. It's coming.