Ok a very unexpected text R talk was just started by H.
I'm going to copy and paste what's been said thus far as I'm waivering back and forth where I'm going with this and I don't want to screw up.....
H: Just so you know. I might be broken forever... I keep trying... I do love you.. I'm just always going to be a mess I think
Me: I don't think you'll always be a mess to this degree. But I've really decided everyone is a mess. And I love you too even if you're messy and broken, just like I've learned to love myself as messy and broken. But don't feel like I'm putting expectations on you as I'm not. Focus on healing yourself and I'll help where I can.
H: You don't... I put them on me. I can't heal myself. I need a partner... Somehow I can let you in partially but not fully... I'm working on it... But I may never fix it.. I can't be any more honest than that... I'm just broken there.
Me: I understand. Interestingly that is what those iMAGO books are about. That you ultimately need a partner to heal. I don't think you should focus on letting me in but on loving yourself. That's how I was able to start embracing that vulnerability more with you. Do you think you can let someone else in fully?
H: I think ultimately i need to let someone in. I know I do better in a relationship. I require affection (give and receive). I need to love fully in all the ways I can. And to learn new ones too. We started in the right place you and I. We did really well given our circumstances too... I'm just shattered in many ways right now. I'm trying to balance that too. Oddly enough it's not like supermodels are lining up to let me try.
Me: Wow- how odd that they are not lining up- you are pretty cute Ummmm no- I'm not going to help you find anyone new, especially a supermodel! I think I went through what you are a few years back and you followed on the heels of my breakdown. You may not be able to let anyone in until you start working on things in a relationship, I don't know. It seems like you are not at a place for doing that yet- there are some other wounds that need processing first and you need someone to lean on through that. I'm willing to be there to help.
So here's my issue- I go back and forth between getting frustrated and thinking fine already- go find someone and figure your [censored] out!! And thinking that he seems to be reaching out, looking for safety, love and support.
Anyone have any thoughts?
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
