Sandi; You send me a post a couple of days ago about her being the most important person in my life, but I think it got deleted in the maintenance process. Could you please reiterate?
Are you kidding? I barely remember this morning!
I can identify with your W's feelings to a point. However, I hope I am mature enough to accept the fact that it was my H's failure to "express" his feelings in a way that would "assure" me that I was top priority in his life. I know I was his number one love, but I was insecure & jealous of his time and attention.....and needed more proof than he was showing.
I really think that's what it boils down to.......the insecurity of the W. In my case, I was very young when we got M and my LL was words of affirmation. Which was not a good combination with having a H who apparently had no clue as to how to express his love (other than having sex) and certainly never shared his thoughts with me. Before we were M, he was in the military and we wrote letters nearly every day. (This was before emails and texting days.). I lived to get those letters! I think he did a better job writing than speaking. After we got M, it was like everything changed overnight and he was not telling me what I needed to hear. He was doing a lot of things that clearly told me he put the needs of his mother ahead of his own W. He will even admit he was a mamma's boy. They are sweet sons, but don't always make great H's b/c he has two women competing for his attention.
She died a few years ago. I use to secretly long for the day we could live without her constant control in our lives. I would dream of how that freedom would feel. So, the day came that she was laying in her coffin and I was staring down at her cold body. I knew we couldn't bury her before I forgave her for the hurt she caused me, b/c I had to move forward with peace in my life. So, I forgave her out of my "will". Which means, the feelings of forgiveness had not caught up at that point. I didn't feel anything actually, but I decided to give us both (me and my MIL) forgiveness. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to forgive my H so easily. B/c that hurt over a period of the decades had turn into a deep resentment & bitterness. It changed me in a very I unattractive way, I'm sure. I tried not to let it show, but I know it came out in ways I was not aware b/c my family would tell me. I'm thinking that may be the case with your W, too.
Of course, as all those years rocked by, my M was gradually getting more strained. I was very depressed and began having a lot of health issues. When I got to the place I was not able to physically do things I once did (as my outlet to my unhappiness) I began playing online games. That's how I met OM, and had an EA.
You didn't need all that history for me to tell you that my H couldn't go back in time to undo what was done, anymore than you can do it in your stitch. However, I see something you "can" do for your W that my H hasn't done for me. You can admit to her that you did not give her the support and assurance you should have. You did not "share" with her your reasons or thoughts behind the actions you took. While your intentions were never to mistreat her, you obviously hurt her, and to a great degree. While you were set on protecting her (your M, home, personal business, etc.) you were blind to what was really taking place in her heart/mind. It might help if you told her a couple of bad words you have called yourself for not being smarter. Just shows her how serious you are. You don't want to come across as being indifferent, as if to say....."This is how it happened and if you got hurt, that's your problem".
You see, I poured my heart out to my H for so many years about my frustration and hurt. I suppose he saw it as b'tching. He never one time told me he was wrong, or that he was sorry. I would have nearly given my right arm to hear him say he would have done things differently if it were possible to go back in time. But, nada.
I think you see what was done with the eyes of your intentions at that time. She saw only the outward physical results, and then probably added in her insecurities (jealousy, etc.). Over the years, this has not died down for her. It has continued to build up inside of her til it turned her into the pillar of resentment and unforgiveness. Perhaps she wants to be free of it, but doesn't know how. It has had a tight grip for a long time. Maybe she has trouble forgiving anyone.....or maybe it's just that you haven't convinced her you are truly sorry for hurting her. I think that is the core, that you say it with remorse. Regardless of how justified you felt......if you are remorseful now, perhaps she will be able to feel remorse over her A.
I would advise you not to use the word "jealous" whenever writing or talking about past events with her. I don't know many women who will admit it, and it makes them angry if they are told they felt jealousy. Don't tell her she was wrong to feel or think a certain way at that time. You want to point your own fingers back at yourself......and not at her. All you can do is explain what was in your mind and the reasons behind your actions. Don't patronize her, or anything along those lines. Your objective should be to explain yourself in a way that will "help" her understand .......or at least, believe you never meant to put anyone else above her.
Sometimes letter writing is easier for some of us, b/c we can be more mushy with our wording......whereas we could feel awkward if we verbally spoke the same. So, get really down deep expressing your emotions when you want her to know how seriously you take her pain. Some men try to make the W appear foolish for getting her feelings hurt. But that is no way to handle things with a woman! Tell her what you told us......how you knew she was the one from the first kiss.
Assuring her by finding some different way or different words to give her.....other than saying "I apologize if I hurt you". Truth is, that doesn't show much empathy in those words. Not that you've said it, but I have heard other people say it that way. It's just not enough for some women. I'm thinking your W is one of them.
Well I guess you'll learn not to ask me to rewrite a post I can't remember!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
