mlc rut

[pbetra]

started Sun Aug 24 /14. thinking aloud / journaling, cont'd Mon 25th...

Feeling a little worn down. Getting more concerned over $$ sitch - I know that that is also affecting me ( $$ may not buy happiness but it buys peace of mind in an economically driven world!) have been thinking, reading a lot, doing so much - must be overload. I don't know up from down right now. Hurt my back .. my hernia (having to lift something heavy) Got stomach flu ... stressed that day attending to ill parent (has senile dementia - declining independence - needs help w/bath, meals, washroom etc). Trying to be supportive w/child & be patient w/mlcer. Guess just tired. Fatigue is never good when trying to 'sort' out thoughts ... fatigue distorts thinking at a time when clarity for overall health & self preservation is critical.

Trying to 'work through' sitch with brain fog, BIG TIME!
I chose to stand for child - have another month or so for my 'check in time' re sitch. That month feels sooooo
f - a- r - a - w - a - y right now!

Have been thinking about timing in all of this too.
MLC timing & LBS timing are NEVER 'in sync.' We're, LBSers are desperately trying for R. after the bomb. We pursue, they distance - we're 'opposite poles' here. In my sitch, the MLCer's momentum slowed after a while - but only a bit. Ironically, this was when I was increasing my GAL momentum! Unfortunately, I realized later on that if I was not careful, my actions could communicate indifference to the sensitive, prideful, 'guilt & shame-inflicted MLCer' that is my h. The MLC/LBS timing issues having started at different points on the MLC richter scale, continues that way (because EVERY 'blinking thing' is so far OFF the richter scale w/MLC!! ). When we DB, i guess we're trying to get the our timing & understanding aligned with each other in someway (?).

Subtle changes:
You see, h started talking to me a little more about a month ago (in between the raging 'episodes' of course!) He also began to 'include' me w/him "for a drive," if only to occasionally pick up fast food (we still haven't gone to the nicer places we used to) but the extended chats and asking for company on these short, fast food jaunts, are more than what had been occuring since the bomb/about 5 months ago. He even pays a lot of the time (before he shared NOTHING - took everything, he was just angry). There are no R talks during the drive, just small talk. Anyway, when we get home, h is back to the guest room, like a little mouse scurrying off to its hole in the baseboard. It's awkward for him - & me too sometimes b/c it's just so strange. Generally, I am just observer. Recently, there are times when he was more like his old self, whereas there was only the cold, reptilian, dismissive, aloof behaviour before. The fluctuations in mood, emotions and raging in flux, was accompanied by pleasantries ONLY to 'appease' as needs are met here. Being 'smart' ... the assumption that I am too foolish to recognize this strategy for what it was/is. However, recently he has been a bit more like old self amid his fierce, internal warring ...

1 of the Triggers/employment:
A small 'reprieve.' A job prospect came up within the last few weeks. It was the first time in long while that h 'informed' (!) me of this, told what happened (!), what it was about etc. Next day, went for related mmtg and called after to tell me about it. Usually, any convo between us is never personal ... or anything about his life. It is often weather, the headlines, something that happened on the street & always brief! Often just a greeting or a one liner in passing - or NOTHING at all! Or plain ole' avoidance. This was an actual discussion, to which I just listened. Anyway, these updates continued as things seemed to be looking up. I remember how pleasant he was & a little more like his old self! With the 1st convo - the very 1st, his eyes had a strange 'stare' which I found interesting when he spoke. There was sadness when he 'stared talked' to me. Hollowness .. I am still curious about what it was. I wondered what he was thinking with that stare and the sadness of his facial expression.

The next day I received a call from h again (!) re: possible job sitch & his concerns. Another convo. Then plans! Again, I saw parts of his old self. Well, it has been downhill recently. With no further news, & the announcement that he feels he "may never been employed again" ... he is outwardly pleasant & privately angry. I am back in the dog house re: h going out. It must be a painful restlessness in which h can't escape. I continued to observe.

This particular trigger led me to think about the past & I do recall that on two other occasions throughout those years, how moody he was re: job sitch - often handling sitch with anger. Didn't think much of it then as the sitch wasn't as extreme as now (MLC) but there are similarities. He just seemed really stressed at work at the time, but in retrospect, he wasn't handling it well.

$$/employment connection to MLC (as you already know).
I am thinking that in h's case, it may be heightened(?). $$ is worth w/his family. They ridicule others re: the subject in casual remarks. "Smart" "succcessful" "fool" are re occuring themes when talking about other people & their many pitfalls. I did not escape the label from h siblings either. I imagine if you come from a family that easily labels people this way, that failure (as measured by employment, job success, $) must impact on colossal scale.

H never wanted to depend on his family/parents. He felt STRONGLY about this! He did not have a good relationship with both parents, although of the 2, the mother was 'stellar'... MIL had issues with ALL of her children & their spouses. She is very controlling & dominant and single handedly destroyed many of her children's relationships.

seive technique
Since h opened up not too long I wondered if/how I should react/act. What was the most effective course of action at this time? I am trying to filter certain things out to separate the remaining grit from the meaningful information (also factoring timing if applicable) ... all in spite of my current brain fog. H is currently very sensitive to my reactions. He is no longer talking about job of course, just small superfical stuff. He continues with distancing himself a little, but remains outwardly pleasant (& privately raging). Again no rationalizing the irrational - I continue to observe.

Timed out, the subject of timing returns to me ...
I was not there for him recently. I don't know if he was reaching out on some level. Who really knows?!! At the time, it did not even occur to me. I was tired (& resentful - the day of hernia pain followed by the back pain. Both of which I 'hid' from him. I fell asleep in the afternoon after a day of chores but could not move when I woke up! With slow movement, coaxing and eventually turning onto my side, I eventually stood (though with bent knees and a curved back as I could not straighten out). I was lucky that after a good night's rest & with very mindful movement that much of the pain was gone the next morning. The point is, I really didn't want to think about seeing the MLC side of things - understanding the selfishness & self centeredness as desperation re: their life 'gone wrong'. All I could think about was how little he helped during that time & getting to the 'vulnerable population' in the house - the child & the elderly - the ones who I know love me. I was so fed up.
Anyway, he withdrew on sensing my own 'distancing'. Made me think of timing ... Timing IS everything!! Will see how it has affected any of the 'fragile progress' that developed within the last 2 months.

green > grass, money
I also heard him mention "grass greener on other side" hehe - to whom I don't know (I have to pass guest room to laundry area). I knew that that would have happened to him - he can be difficult & unflexible and that has cost him some friendships over the years. I understood him or thought I did! I have been generally understanding, empathetic ... yes I do get frustrated but generally, I am known for that. He had to see it for himself when he went off in a fury, with that dismissive, hurtful aloofness b/c I was all wrong & he had endless possibilities re women, well here's real life buddy (esp. w/[b]NO dinero![u/]) ... I know I am taken for granted. Funny ... it does not matter as much as before.

My own issues/struggles.
I have noticed that I feel 'freer' when he's not here. This is part of my own issues - fear. I feel like I am frequently being careful. I don't like 'BIG, noisy, unsettling, obscene' conflict (within the family context). It unsettles me. I remember when we got married and he was generous with me - credit card, anything I felt I needed etc. I never really spent money. He was the bigger spender!!! Didn't demand big house or wanted to have 'this, that or the other ... I wanted our family to have enough of course, to be safe & secure. BUT what I DID TELL him was that I wanted peace of mind. Guess I never really had it(with my own dominant father). for years we had that until the employment sitch(s) began to 'nosedive'. Now I feel that I am using a piece of mind to remedy so much. I still 'comply' & 'settle' to not exasperate sitchs. There is avoidance re: family (the workplace, public sitch not so much - ??!!).

finD the finE linE
I do let things 'pass' but they are not important enough to me, in many cases. When you have NOT had a 'drama'/issue free life, you learn very quickly what matters & what does not. You have to - taking on everything is simply NOT possible. Specific batteles to fight are chosen over many others. I don't make mountains out of a lot. What are the 'big deals' to some are not to me - I think they don't know what real problems are! But I have a real problem - & it is this, below.
I am trying to identify & locate the fine line between my letting things 'pass' (b/c why work myself up over things that are not really that important) & my reactions to be complacent to 'keep the peace' (that indirectly hurt me anyway). An 'auto reaction' re my father TO AVOID all 'hell breaking loose in my world' & ... unfortunately bringing that 'habit' into the M.

gaining complexity (& fatigue!! bad timing)
When I rest & re evaluate MLCer sitch + child (mtg. set up w/ school staff next week ), my own issues are 'rocking the dynamic' as the interplay of the entire family gains complexity - well, 'revealed' complexity (God help me !!!) My only hope now is to improve health (energy, strength) as I really can't get anywhere without it.