Donno why. Must be hitting the "anger" stage. It really seems any "new news" or mention of xh & hww or contact sends me in reverse.
I've actually had some good days. My gf came over Sunday. It was a beautiful day! We hung out by the pool and had a cook out. Kids had friends over- it was a great time. My friend and I laughed a lot; we have become quite close over the past year.
Tuesday morning I was served my official divorce papers. I was actually fine all day. I was in good spirits and VERY busy.
I did hear from xh yesterday via text:
xh- Good morning! What else do the kids need for school? (10:35 AM)
me- School supplies are done. Need shoes for d along with volleyball sneakers and shorts. Haven't gotten much for s yet, but he shouldn't need shoes. Only needs facemask for football. (2PM)
xh- OK. I will get some stuff with them. (9:29PM)
Me- That's nice. They will appreciate it. (9:37PM)
I hadn't planned on hearing at all from him about school stuff since he has made it clear he does not want to contribute outside of basic support (even though it is in agreement).
Again, he seems to contact weekly about something. It is always about "business" seldom about kids, and never anything else. But it is consistent. There has not been more than 2 weeks that has passed with out a text. I don't always respond. Still haven't spoken in over a month. I don't initiate any communication and my texts are to the point. It was weird getting the "Good morning!" Which I haven't gotten the greeting, if you will, for a couple months- definitely since nuked. I don't know. I know it is meaningless... I know there is nothing there. But I can't seem to find it in me to be friendly with him. It's not that I'm mean, but just indifferent. I guess because my feelings aren't really directed in one place. I just think- What does he want from me?!
Last night d had a friend over. She came to me all weird acting and then told me that her friend told her she knows hww. She said that hww's mom has been her babysitter since she was 3 months old. She told d that hww is sooo pretty. My poor d. She didn't know how to respond, but it was so clear she was bothered by it. She tried to laugh it off. She just said, "Don't worry mom, you're prettier." And walked out. I felt bad and haven't really had a chance to talk to her about it. D has never even seen hww. So weird for her- and everyone.
I think this is where some of my anger is coming from. They are walking around town like everything is ok. They are living this new life while we are constantly getting kicked in the gut. Her family is out celebrating this baby and their r and home. UGH! Seriously- how would hww's mom feel if it were her grandkids that were hurt the way mine are? C'mon lady! Get real!
The thing is, hww's mom, the babysitter, clearly knows my d's friends parents. XH and I know them and used to sit with them last summer at d's games. In November they even gave me a ride to another town to meet h. I can't imagine what they were thinking when they heard their friends daughter is preg by xh! What a creep- but he doesn't even realize it!
Here I go again.... spinning. I feel like two steps forward- five steps back.
Why do I want to know if he is happy or not? Why does that consume me? When I tell myself he isn't, am I fooling myself to make ME feel better? Is he really in love and happy and I need to get a grip? I am so ticked at him... for so many reasons.
