Donno why. Must be hitting the "anger" stage. It really seems any "new news" or mention of xh & hww or contact sends me in reverse.
I've actually had some good days. My gf came over Sunday. It was a beautiful day! We hung out by the pool and had a cook out. Kids had friends over- it was a great time. My friend and I laughed a lot; we have become quite close over the past year.
Tuesday morning I was served my official divorce papers. I was actually fine all day. I was in good spirits and VERY busy.
I did hear from xh yesterday via text:
xh- Good morning! What else do the kids need for school? (10:35 AM)
me- School supplies are done. Need shoes for d along with volleyball sneakers and shorts. Haven't gotten much for s yet, but he shouldn't need shoes. Only needs facemask for football. (2PM)
xh- OK. I will get some stuff with them. (9:29PM)
Me- That's nice. They will appreciate it. (9:37PM)
I hadn't planned on hearing at all from him about school stuff since he has made it clear he does not want to contribute outside of basic support (even though it is in agreement).
Again, he seems to contact weekly about something. It is always about "business" seldom about kids, and never anything else. But it is consistent. There has not been more than 2 weeks that has passed with out a text. I don't always respond. Still haven't spoken in over a month. I don't initiate any communication and my texts are to the point. It was weird getting the "Good morning!" Which I haven't gotten the greeting, if you will, for a couple months- definitely since nuked. I don't know. I know it is meaningless... I know there is nothing there. But I can't seem to find it in me to be friendly with him. It's not that I'm mean, but just indifferent. I guess because my feelings aren't really directed in one place. I just think- What does he want from me?!
Last night d had a friend over. She came to me all weird acting and then told me that her friend told her she knows hww. She said that hww's mom has been her babysitter since she was 3 months old. She told d that hww is sooo pretty. My poor d. She didn't know how to respond, but it was so clear she was bothered by it. She tried to laugh it off. She just said, "Don't worry mom, you're prettier." And walked out. I felt bad and haven't really had a chance to talk to her about it. D has never even seen hww. So weird for her- and everyone.
I think this is where some of my anger is coming from. They are walking around town like everything is ok. They are living this new life while we are constantly getting kicked in the gut. Her family is out celebrating this baby and their r and home. UGH! Seriously- how would hww's mom feel if it were her grandkids that were hurt the way mine are? C'mon lady! Get real!
The thing is, hww's mom, the babysitter, clearly knows my d's friends parents. XH and I know them and used to sit with them last summer at d's games. In November they even gave me a ride to another town to meet h. I can't imagine what they were thinking when they heard their friends daughter is preg by xh! What a creep- but he doesn't even realize it!
Here I go again.... spinning. I feel like two steps forward- five steps back.
Why do I want to know if he is happy or not? Why does that consume me? When I tell myself he isn't, am I fooling myself to make ME feel better? Is he really in love and happy and I need to get a grip? I am so ticked at him... for so many reasons.
WOW I know it hurts. And you will have good days and bad days and with time the bad days will be less and less.
Glad you had some fun over the weekend. Try to plan as many things as you can to stay busy.
I love reading books both self help and fiction, is there a hobby you have that can take your mind off XH when its a "bad day".
Take it one day at a time. I dont know your whole story, not sure how long since the D. Have you thought about dating, nothing serious but just to test the waters?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I was taking a break from the board for a bunch of reasons, but bad news for my pals here was part of it.
My heart goes out to you.
Don't forget why you chose your name.
((((MIGHTY))))
----GGG
PS: And what is "hww"? Home-Wrecking Woman? His "Wh*ring Wench"? How? When? Why? Homely Whiney Witch? Hardly Worth Wondering? Ho-Worker Woman?
Just curious...
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
2B- Thanks for stopping by. My story is kind-of... well... different... but the same, in that, it's not what "we" had planned. H moved out 12/1, didn't know about hww until last month, when I found out about her she was 4 months preg and they had just bought a house together.
You are right on- one day at a time! Every day brings a new emotion! Like Forest Gump- "You never know what you're gonna get."
GGG, yup... I get it. I was on cloud 9 my 2 good days. I thought I'd turned a page. Funny how I got flipped right back into LBS mode. I'm determined, however, to make every day the best I can. I have a lot to be grateful for.
HWW: I love your guesses. Probably anyone would fit. I consider her a home-wrecking Wh0re. Actually- they both are. Is it bad that I want everyone in town to know that? I really have been so mature (outside of here) about the whole thing. I can say I have kept composure and class... but the fact that they walk around like it is something to celebrate is terrible. The fact that her family is celebrating her new relationship and family around town is CRAZY. HWW grew up here and neither my h nor I did. Neither one of us ever worked in this town either. We settled here 14 yrs ago. The only real connection is that our kids went to school here. So her mom moved here when hww was little or a baby or something. And her MOM knows people WE know, not hww. It is weird. Do they not realize there is a family that is devastated and beaten down by this? I mean, really?
They stink. I'm just aggravated. Hww lived about 50 min away with her x. Now she is back here to start a new fam. It seems like a celebration, right. AAAHHHHHH! I can't move my kids! My son is a senior this year. They just have no idea the hurt feelings that continue in this house. When you are defensive, you can't appreciate the damage you are causing someone else.
Thanks, peeps, for checking in. Just venting. IT WILL GET BETTER! For all of us....
I was on cloud 9 my 2 good days. I thought I'd turned a page. Funny how I got flipped right back into LBS mode. I'm determined, however, to make every day the best I can. I have a lot to be grateful for.
I think the grief cycles. For me, I'd have a break from the waves of pain and, then, just when I thought I'd felt the worst of it...BAM! Another round of sadness.
I really believe that the key to all this is really feeling/facing what comes up. In my opinion, the rejection/loss brings up all the losses of our past. As much as it stinks, we have been given an opportunity to face the unfinished business of our past. It's painful/uncomfortable/grueling even...but, trust the process, stick with it, stay present and you will gradually emerge a new person with a new strength you never thought possible.
Mighty, I'm so different than the person I used to be. I'm so, so, so much closer to being the person aligned with who God wants me to be. I didn't feel that way in our marriage. I was always being torn down/reduced/belittled...In our marriage, I felt diminished. I didn't believe in myself. I was doing the best I could under some enormous pressure...but, it wasn't who I COULD be. It was a lesser version of me that I was settling for. I was with someone who was afraid of who I could become and that meant he needed to keep me down.
It gets better. It's a process and it has a real purpose.
Imagine childbirth. It's hard, worst pain I've ever felt...I trusted my body...it carried me through...and, in the end, I had this miraculous gift and was willing to try it again. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks, Heather. I'm getting there. I'm working on me and becoming all of who I want to be. Sometimes, though, I do get lonely. I think that means I still have work to do.
Got a text yesterday from xh about financial/loan stuff. He was very polite, and seems to be much softer than he used to be. He was sooo aggressive the past year, but even so before mlc, when it came to business stuff and getting things taken care of. Now, it is much different, even though communication is extremely minimal. I don't give much. My responses are limited to one word or one sentence. Not mean, just to the point. For example, he said a loan wasn't paid off, so I called my bank. They emailed me a copy of the deposited check from the bank. I just forwarded the email from the bank and said, "See attached."
I did have to call the bank and they needed his permission to speak with him. I had to get a supervisor on the phone and asked him to call xh to get permission (this way I avoided speaking with him). They did and xh gave permission for them to speak with me about the account.
He did text me, "thanks" and things like that. I left it as, "It is all taken care of." I don't want to correspond like we are friends. At this point, there is no kind of relationship at all. If he really wants to have a cordial r with me, he needs to step up and be accountable. Everything ended without discussion. I know a lot of people did have "talks" about their r, even if it was to end it. That never really happened with us. There was bd, of course, but that was like 2 seconds- "I want a divorce! I don't love you." and he went to sleep. We did the yo-yo thing for months, hanging out, being friendly, all that jazz. Went on vacation, then got a text, "I made an appointment with a mediator." That was that. No discussion as to why he decided after months to do that. Nothing. We all know why now. That's the only discussion we really had, was in July- AND IT WASN'T EVEN ABOUT US! It was a 2 min convo about him and hww. Wow, 19 years and nothing. Oh, of course I did get the "I'm sorry" text. WTF is that? For what, specifically? I'd really like to know. Maybe I don't.
Anyway... I know not seeing the kids is really getting to him. They are simply treating him the way he treated them for months. I don't get involved. He decided he didn't want to communicate with me about the kids and it backfired. Now they just tell him they are too busy to see him. The kids rarely say anything to me about him or the sitch at all.
S did show me a text yesterday from xh. It is very rare for him to do so. He is way more reserved about this than d. S told me h called him yesterday and asked him to do something. S said he didn't know, he had to see what he had going on first. I guess xh got really upset with him. XH texted s last night apologizing for getting upset. He said, "I just really miss you two."
He certainly wasn't worried about that for quite awhile. I guess he is realizing he can't control everyone and everything. He is so used to people doing what he wants and will bully his way to get it. He can't do that with this, not with the kids when he knows he is so wrong. It is definitely a very new and different experience for him. He totally has his tail between his legs when it comes to them. Very unusual.
He also texted d yesterday around 4PM. He asked her to go shopping. She said no, and he was upset about that too. I just though, wow, he and hww must not have Friday night plans. I'm sure it is a VERY different life than the one he THOUGHT he was going to have. HWW has her 2-year-old on a "very strict" schedule, and I think he goes to sleep at like 7:30. Even if they got a babysitter, she is pregnant, works full-time, has a toddler, she probably isn't a ball of fun and energy. But.... what do I know? She must be fantastic.
Going to hang with fam tomorrow. Watched s play football today. I just can't believe it is his senior year! It makes me so sad to think this will be the last year I get to watch him. I love watching him play sports. Those of you with young ones..... enjoy it! All of a sudden, they are big kids!
No advice from me. I'm sorry about your sitch. Enjoy your family today!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
