barely holding on - 3

[MrBond]

"Out of curiosity, in your experience, do they ever come to grips that the behavior actually WAS deceitful?"

It depends on the individual. Some continue to think that they were "meant" to be with the AP and if it didn't work out, they move on to the next one. They keep moving from person to person never thinking that MAYBE the reason why they are never happy with another person is because THEY aren't happy inside.

They don't see having an A as being "wrong" or lying. They feel that the "lie" is the way they have been living in a relationship that doesn't make them happy.

Of course, they don't actually consider trying to work on things because it's everyone else's fault and not theirs.

"I understand one can't control the affair in any way, and this is why one must detach and get a life....but tell me more about the turning point of the WAS, if there is one."

There are many WAS's who have turned around. Usually it's those who have hit rock bottom and see their LBS thriving while their life is messed up. But sadly, there are those WAS's who never go into self reflection and continue their destructive ways. They feel that there pain is so bad that they will do anything to get out of it.

This is the main reason why the WAS will often "change" into the monster and turn on the LBS. My own W who was the kindest person I had ever known, threatened to call the cops on me when I told her that I didn't want to move my daughter out of bed in our home (W was living away at the time just 10 minutes away) because she was really sick. I just looked at her, told her to go ahead and I would be more than happy to talk to the officers when they arrived. She backed down and became extremely humble and helpful after that.

You just can't let the crazy antics of the WAS make you crazy. The more grounded you are, the stronger your position.

Here is a little saying that someone posted a long time ago but I always kept it with me. It has religious undertones to it, but the idea is basically that you need to be the sane one while your WAS is acting insane.

Here is the quote:

Be the Lighthouse.

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

The good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

The competition we believe that exists with the OP is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world....

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong....they do not like what they are doing....

Their actions towards you, the children, the OP and themselves keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions with real dept and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life....yet the filling is way to fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down, regardless of whom is next to them....

They are the living cliche of...no matter where you go to hide, there YOU are.

He or she is lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home. Even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them towards it, let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

They are untrustable right now, but you know that. So they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently, but you know better.

You show them the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives, without love busting.

Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them. You fill the childrens lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or power struggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is OK. No one can stay very long in that chaos..it is wearisome to the soul..

And remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse...