Chapter 2: Letting Go

[juliegayle]

I was going to detail the hospital visit with OW and I still will layer just to journal it.

At the end of the day I was really feeling positive about my ability to not be affected. Yes I was annoyed and even angry about a lit of things today but I was able to feel it and let it go.

But tonight I learned that he still has the ability to shatter me.
He started off ranting about how I was a cr@p mother and so ineffective at the hospital. (Remember how he left for 10 hours while I was there holding my s hand) he was referring to an incident in the ER when they were putting the EEG sensors on. S was flailing his head and pulling off sensors as they were putting them on. I was trying to hold his arms down. (H claims I was doing nothing) h takes over and holds his arms down and firmly restrains his head. First of all h 6"3 frame can do that and my 5'2 frame can not. Second there is a reason they get help if needed and don't ask already freaked out parents to step in and help with procedures.


Then he pulls my heart out by saying I should never have been s mother. That it was my defective body that caused all his problems.

How can anyone say that to the mother of their child. And go on and on about it as I break down crying because I have over the years blamed myself.

Is this even mlc? Maybe he had some other type of break that just turned him evil? Could this have always been inside him and I just didn't know.

He knows how to break me. I don't know how not to react to that.