I found this on you're We're Dating thread. Very timely:
"Yet, what does my behavior convey to him when he happens to behave in ways I do not like? Am I transmitting full acceptance of where he is at in the moment? Or am I transmitting disapproval, through verbal and/or non-verbal communication (i.e. body language)?
Am I still in a place of self-awareness and choice as to prioritize connection? Or am I pulled into reactivity and conditionality? Maybe withdrawing emotionally from him, or withholding the relationship in reactive, subconscious ways"...
"If I indiscriminately buy into the cultural conditioning that love is a feeling, my behavior will reflect that. All emotions, pleasant neutral or unpleasant, change every so many seconds, depending on situations, what need is stirred in us, and what thoughts we focus on and cultivate."...
"Holding love as an autonomous value puts the responsibility of loving and "feeling loved" (i.e. meeting my need for love) on me. I empower myself to care for and look after this seed of love, water it, and help it grow into a healthy, hearty plant."
I needed to read that this morning because my old ways were to use my tone and body language to express dissatisfaction. I withheld affection. There was a lot of "If you loved me then..." both spoken and unspoken.
I'm not that person anymore but I have to practice that everyday in every interaction.
It's a challenge but you're up to it.
Don't expect perfection from either of you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
See how naive I was? I thought the hard part was the standing -- the GAL, the 180s, the mindfulness, the patience.
It's not that. It's the forgiving, the moving forward, the beginning anew. Standing is easy compared to that.
God help me if we ever get to piecing. Thank you all for being here and speaking up to support me when I fall to bits. I'll do better today than I have in the past. As best I can.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
See how naive I was? I thought the hard part was the standing -- the GAL, the 180s, the mindfulness, the patience. It's not that. It's the forgiving, the moving forward, the beginning anew. Standing is easy compared to that.
I've said this same thing. It's all hard, Maybell. Every step of the way is hard. But no matter what happens, it's worth it.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Well, dinner went all right. I couldn't have done this before tonight so it's just as well I turned him down the other two nights.
Thanks to all of your support here today I was able to smile, be relaxed, chat about the kids, talk a bit about the fun we had this weekend, ask about his outing last night, and generally look pretty good for the evening. We had fun, and he even said he had fun tonight when he said good night.
He hugged me hello and goodbye, a first. They weren't particularly good hugs, but there were two of them, and I thought for a moment he was going to kiss my cheek goodbye, but either I was mistaken or he changed his mind, whatever.
At the end of the evening he said "I'll see you Friday" -- his day to take the kids -- and I said "Friday?" (forgetting he would be taking them) and he said, oh, yeah, we were going to do lunch weren't we? But no plans were made for that so we'll see if it happens or not.
Whatever happens, I did the best I could and I don't think I made a terrible job of it. The restaurant where we ate dinner was one that we used to have brunch at every Sunday and the waitress recognized us and talked for several minutes, gave me a lot of compliments on how great my hair looks and asked where I had it done, and I could see him looking at me while she went on and on about how pretty I look. That was nice. I'm not just vain.
I don't know what will happen but he would be a fool to leave me even if he doesn't know it. I may not be perfect but at least I want to be a work in progress. Thank you all so much for your support.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Awesome! He would be a fool to leave you and he's starting to know it, I'm sure. What he does with that choice is out of your hands... all you can do is be Awesome, HOT Maybell. Rock it!
