Dealing with WAW part 4

[pilot]

I don't think SHE is hurrying to categorize & finalize things as much lately--- it's YOU doing that, don't you think?
Patience...
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I really do not know what she is doing. She is not rushing to get this D done and over. Yet she still insists it is the thing to do. Confusing.

Even going as far as saying let the petition expire and 'probably' file in our new state 3 months from now.




WOW^^^ HUGE POSITIVE. How'd you react?

Honestly do not remember how or if I reacted when she said this. Confused at the logic. I definitely can see how this can be a positive. I can also see how this could be a negative if you take it as just prolonging the inevitable. For all I know she sees some advantage to a D in our new state. Not saying I buy in to the negative angle, just throwing it out.

BTW, what are the rules you are not wanting to follow? Sex with OWs? Is that something you keep having to refuse? Are a lot of women throwing themselves at you or is this that incredibly chronic need you have for a woman on your arm?

I Know you deny this but it keeps flaring up as THE factor for you that you seem unable to get past. As if having someone in your life who is female and strokes your ego is the linchpin to your self esteem and raison d'être. I don't get that.

You need to self affirm better, so you don't constantly require it from her/OWs. That must have been draining for your wife and might be an issue for you to work on with your therapist. You are still seeing one or did you hire a DB coach? I SURE HOPE YOU WILL.
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I guess what I meant was she 'gets' to go out, explore the world, date, form emotional (maybe physical) relationships and compare them to what she had in a M. Cake eating. If things do not go well, or she finds herself in need (financially or emotionally) good ol pilot will be there as a fall back. Get an apt she cant afford? No biggie, pilot will pick up the slack. Live a lifestyle she cant afford? Oh pilot..... Get lonely? Call pilot. So why should those rules not apply to me as well? My thoughts are more of a ramble than a foregone decision. But the fact that the thoughts are in my head says something...

I would not boast and say I have women lining up to throw themselves at me. There does however seem to be quite a bit of interest out there in me. There is always the ex gf, (who actually showed up at my place at 2 in the morning last week nice and drunk) I have friends (close and distant) who are constantly trying to make connections with me an other single women. They even bring them around for those 'accidental meetings' so the other girl can 'check me out'. Funny stuff really, and I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy the attention. Again, it is not that I HAVE to have a R, it is just that I WANT to have one. I just sometimes feel like a vegetarian starving themselves in a butcher shop because my cabbage wants nothing to do with me. Haha, I will start calling my W a cabbage and she will have no idea why.

I get it that I am here to save my M. Well, technically speaking I am here to DB, which means I am here to work on myself and reflect on my involvement in the decline of the M. The byproduct of this process is you take a non panic based looked at your M and what you were lacking from it. Maybe I am just stuck in that part right now.

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Problem is the state she filed in is a no fault state. So any extra marital activities are irrelevant in a divorce proceeding.

how is that "a problem"?

Oh wait, I think I get it. YOU want to file and still be able to blame her...Is that it?

However, in the state we are in now (Bible Belt) affairs play a role in how a divorce plays out. I am afraid if I do decide to date, without the protection of a pending divorce, this might be used against me should I allow the petition to expire and a new one filed in this state 3 months from now.


Pilot, read this^^^ again out loud to yourself, (alone--but include the part about the "protection of a divorce" and hone in on what exactly would be "protected")

and then imagine someone else saying it and ALSO claiming they want to be married and save their family. And yet having to "protect" the sex they want to have with OWs...

DIG DEEP.......NOW, How do you REALLY feel about what you heard?

Granted, she had an A which could be used against her in this state (not sure if she really understands that). I guess I have to speak to a L in this state to see how and what I should do.

At any rate, I am just rambling and feeling frustrated...

So you want to know if you should use the affair against her NOW,

b/c you might not be able to later (In another state AND OR after you also cheat)

Maybe I was not clear. I was speaking in hypotheticals (and rambling). IF, a big IF I decided I wanted to move on and date, then I would HAVE to have a D pending in order to keep that dating from being an A. It is not about using her A against her. More about keeping her from claiming I was the one having an A.

Besides, do we not say here that filing for D, being served, and even D itself does not spell the end? That in the end, it is just a piece of paper. Who knows, maybe accepting her D petition when she may be questioning it would be the mother of all poker plays. Not saying it is my plan, but still...

Wait...PIlot, tell me, or us or YOURSELF, why are you here?

I came here because I was looking for everything I could find to help save my M. Through the DB process i have come to understand where my own shortcomings were. I also began to realize there were things in my M that I was not getting which I really wished I would have been.

This is a divorce busting site for people who want to stay married AND OR survive a divorce with their integrity intact and a bit of self esteem left.

IF that ^^ no longer describes you, then you have another decision to make.

That is kind of an unnecessary statement implying those who come to the realization the M they had to their S really is not worth pursing somehow have no integrity or self esteem.

It's just that You struck me as a "Leave no stone unturned" type of guy. But i have been wrong before.

I am a no stone left unturned kinda guy. Which means along the way I will look under every stone, including those not on par with DB principles. I will turn up stones I know have nothing underneath as well if for no other reason than to say I checked and considered every option out there.