Maybell the VIIIth

[Maybell]

The thought of having dinner with him is ruining my day. How do I get out of this mental place?

[Maybell]

I guess I'm expecting it to be no fun. I need to change gears and expect it to be neutral. Chuck said, treat him as I would treat my brother. That fun and meaningful and no more.

I'll do my best to work my way into that mindset. I'm having a harder time forgiving him for abandoning me, before and after he left, than for anything else. And the fact I'm in this place where I'm dreading something I would have traded my right arm for before, makes me angry. How can I love someone with so little integrity?

Brother. Brother. Brother. Brother.

[T384]

Get out of that mindset for tonight. You will set yourself up for failure. Think of your children - and how happy they will be. How much fun you will have seeing them happy

Don't think of the negatives and the bad things he has done or choices he has made. Just don't go there ... Today.

I battled this for basketball practice. I would have to bite the inside of my cheek sometimes to force a smile. Eventually it will come easier if you continue to find yourself in these situations. Remember - the woman only a fool would leave

What does she look like Maybell? Who would she be at dinner

[claire7]

Maybell,

I hear you. And mindsets are hard to change. There is a TEDtalk about the power of positive thinking-- how it affects our mood, our actions, and therefore affects everything else around us. Maybe could be good to watch a couple of motivational talks to try to get your thinking on a different track?

If you expect it to be miserable, it probably will be, you know? (That probably means you have expectations that aren't going to be met). So, go in with no expectations. (Easier said than done, I know).

[labug]

So how did it go?

Get to know the man your H is now, you may or may not like him but be open. You've got a lot of pent up resentment tied to him.

Why did you stop doing all those things that you no longer do? Are you doing them now?

[Maybell]

Family dinner is tonight, Labug. We're getting together alone later this week.

We moved away from doing fun outings when our first baby was born. Then, when we would have gone back to them, he started the MBA program. Then, when the program ended, we moved to the west coast and I went into a long depression (didn't want to move) and then our third child was born. (Second child born during MBA). When I recovered from the depression things started to get better, but then our big financial problem and it all went back downhill in a hurry.

When we moved back east it was supposed to be the opportunity to rebuild and make things good again but instead he started the affair.

I've been having a great time doing the things I missed without him. I don't ever want to give it up. When I'm alone I feel like I'm recharging, rather than lonely and ignored like I did when he was home. And he has been so hurtful in the last... Long time.

I'm working to have no expectations today. I've been comfortable without him. But I will have to figure it out. I'll always have to know him.

[labug]

The road to a relationship dead end, which most of us have traveled. We don't put our most important Rs first, we let the background noise take over. I know I did.

It seems he had some hurt along the way, too.

Here's the good news, you aren't in a R with that guy at present. You can do all those fun, interesting things you so enjoy. What freedom, huh?

He may not be that guy anymore but you're going to have to shake that ghost to really see.

Beginner's mind.

[Maybell]

Yes, we both hurt each other.

Thanks for the reminder. Beginners mind.

I found this on you're We're Dating thread. Very timely:


"Yet, what does my behavior convey to him when he happens to behave in ways I do not like? Am I transmitting full acceptance of where he is at in the moment? Or am I transmitting disapproval, through verbal and/or non-verbal communication (i.e. body language)?

Am I still in a place of self-awareness and choice as to prioritize connection? Or am I pulled into reactivity and conditionality? Maybe withdrawing emotionally from him, or withholding the relationship in reactive, subconscious ways"...

"If I indiscriminately buy into the cultural conditioning that love is a feeling, my behavior will reflect that. All emotions, pleasant neutral or unpleasant, change every so many seconds, depending on situations, what need is stirred in us, and what thoughts we focus on and cultivate."...

"Holding love as an autonomous value puts the responsibility of loving and "feeling loved" (i.e. meeting my need for love) on me. I empower myself to care for and look after this seed of love, water it, and help it grow into a healthy, hearty plant."

I needed to read that this morning because my old ways were to use my tone and body language to express dissatisfaction. I withheld affection. There was a lot of "If you loved me then..." both spoken and unspoken.

I'm not that person anymore but I have to practice that everyday in every interaction.

[LisaB]

Hi Maybell, I wish I could provide something useful, but all I can say is that I am thinking of you. Good luck and try to be happy within yourself. It sounds like your life is going great, just focus on that? Try to enjoy the dinner as the happy person you are.
Big hugs, Lisa

[Train]

Maybell,

Dinner tonight is a great opportunity to put into practice all the tools you've been given. It's an opportunity to showcase the incredible, strong, content woman you've become. Grace under fire.

Thinking of you.