Maybell the VIIIth

[Maybell]

Mentally prepping for our family dinner tonight. First one in... More than a month?

I don't know how I feel about it. I'm all over the place. I know restoring our marriage isn't on the table at the moment but the prospect of spending time with him always puts my mind in that place. I've really enjoyed making choices for myself this summer and the idea of restoring our relationship makes me feel bound. It makes me cringe. I feel smaller again at the thought of being with him. It curdles my stomach.

Somewhere in there is a person I like and care about but one of us isn't worth the effort to him. I doubt I'll hear anything at all about his life, because I never do. Never have. But he'll ask me a hundred questions about me because that's what he does. Deflect from himself. We'll never do anything more interesting than go to a restaurant or a movie together because that's all that ever occurs to him. Life with him is so constricted. I hate it.

Ive had a mostly great summer, tears notwithstanding. I've had a really fun weekend this weekend. And I'm looking forward to a fun and interesting fall. I have figured out ways to make my life work for me and if I end up single I won't just be fine, I'll be awesome. I'm a hundred times better off than this time last year.

I know I'm standing because standing is the right thing to do.

But what if he wants to work things out?

What if he tries to move towards me again? How do I limit that till he makes the changes I need? I can't live on eggshells anymore.

We used to do more than dinner, movies, and bowling. We used to go to concerts, sporting events (lots of them, football, hockey, baseball, basketball), comedy clubs, plays, all kinds of things. We used to play board games at home and had fun challenging one another intellectually, sharing books. Those things haven't happened in years. We used to have parties and go to parties.

I can't not be that person anymore. Life's too short to live so small.

I'm afraid to spend time with him. I don't want to live like that anymore.

Does this make me a WAW?